HateJoo

30: Chapter 11: The Return of the Pimp, or Wimp, hmm, let's stick to King

2007-10-31T04:39:00.000+08:00

Huo was surprised to see that the Tarnianians survived the onslaught when his party returned from the gathering of wood and fruits.

“How did…”

“No time for that now Huo, you have any medics among your troops? I have a casualty here.”

“Medic?”

“Yes, you know…the guy you go to when you’re sick…and he touches you here and there, and then he gives you some rat poison and you get well after that.” Jun rolled his eyes.

“Oh! We call them physicians.”

“You can call them prostitutes, or wanzhens, if you want to, just get me one.”

Huo nodded and doubled back to his encampment. Jun shook his head as the thin figure disappeared from his sight, he started to wonder if letting them tag along had been the right choice at all. Minutes later Huo came back with another scrawny old man of the same build, except that the newcomer had a white beard which stretches all the way down to his knees, three deep strokes of wrinkles ran across his forehead and one could only feel that much wisdom is stored in those immensely deep cracks.

“M’lord, my name is Hua Tuo, umm….where is the casualty?” The old man broke the awkward silence. Jun jumped a little, he shuddered at the thought that he had been staring at another man’s forehead in amazement. Hardly an appropriate way for a king to behave

Jun led the man and Huo to one of the Tarnianian tents and beckoned Hua to enter, while he and Huo stood waiting outside.

The tent was pretty much empty inside, except for Joo lying down in the middle and a basin filled with murky liquid beside him. Hua knelt down beside Joo, “And what problem might we be having here, young man?”

“Ugh…can’t you tell?” groaned a disgruntled Joo, “I’m sick for Ming’s sake!”

Hua said nothing but took Joo’s left hand and took his pulse. “Well, I see nothing wrong with you!”

Joo frowned, “Well, I’m really sick! Look at that basin over there, I vommi---”

“You washed your feet in that?” Hua interrupted.

Joo shifted uneasily, “Ho…how did you know?”

“Well…” Hua stated with an as-a-matter-of-fact tone, “First, your feet are clean, and there’re dead foot-bugs floating on the surface.” He looked delighted in his little triumph over a Luelin, and then he decided to inflict some real pain on him, both as a reward and as a punishment.

“Well, on a second thought, your illness is grave indeed…”

“Really? You can tell? How grave is it? How many days of medical leave will I get?” Joo’s eyes beamed with a gleam of hope, images of him reaching the gates of Tarniania, reaching the gate to his house, reaching his dining table laid with roasted chicken and steamed fish flashed in his mind.

“Well.” Joo thought he heard Hua chuckle as he began to speak, “Maybe…none! For you will need bone scraping! Yes, bone scraping, just like the legendary General Guan.”

Huo’s eyes seemed to flash an evil red as a near petrified Joo recalled the legend in which the Great General Guan had poison scrapped off his bone while playing chess, without any anesthetics!

“Umm…I think you got it wrong, doc, actually, I feel alright now…” Joo tried to get up but pressed himself back against the ground as Hua turned to face him holding the largest saw Joo had ever seen.

“Wait!” Joo muttered as Hua advanced onto him, “Umm…actually it’s my hair that’s hurting, you wanna work on the hair instead?”

“Uh-uh, doesn’t work that way my boy, we have to do it to the bone, now, if you’ll stay still…” Hua drew an ‘X’ on Joo’s left arm.

“W…wa…wait! You wanna umm…re-diagnose? You never know…” Joo tried his best to force a friendly smile; he would have swung a punch had he not known better than to trifle with a deranged physician holding a saw.

“Nope, trust the physician, which is...me,don't worry, it won’t hurt at all...well..maybe just a teeny weeny bit.” Hua had a sick smile plastered on his face as Joo felt cold steel against his skin.

“WAIT!” Joo screamed, Hua paused and raised an eyebrow, “Any last words? I mean…is there a problem?”

“Yes! Umm, you mind reaching into my pocket? Yeah; something inside is making me twitch won’t do good to have me twitching while you’re stitching eh?”

“Well, I never meant to stitch anyway, but oh well, let’s see what’s inside…hmm...yeah…oh…it’s…hard…you naughty little boy, how’d you know I like it hard?”

“Well, I umm..guessed?”

Hua placed the saw onto the floor and the other hand which reached into Joo’s pocket grabbed the hard object tight, “Yes, I like the feeling of this, ah...it's long...hmm, if only there's a bed on the otherside, hmm..can this be considered one? Hmm, I guess it'll make do...”

“Indeed.” Nodded Joo, relieved, “it doesn’t stay hard for long though, gets soft during the colder days.”

“Well, can I have a look at it then?”

“Sure, be careful though, it’s…delicate…”

“Aye, I will, I will!” Hua agreed hurriedly as he pulled a trembling hand out of Joo’s pocket. As he released his grasp it revealed a gold coin the size of a nutmeg, with the picture of a long seahorse carved on one side and a bed on the other. Hua held it up close to his eyes and examined it with rediscovered youth and energy. “Well, it looks like your illness does need another diagnosis….A ‘male seahorse brand bed’ coin, oh my, look how exquisite and fluffy the bed looks…”

“Well, you know what to say to the King when you go out there.” Joo winked, as he leaned back onto his mattress, faking a groan.

Hua slid the coin into his shirt pocket and left the tent.

An anxious Jun ran up to Hua as he emerged from the tent and grabbed him by the shoulders, “How is he? Is it serious?”

Hua had a grave look on his face, the wrinkles seemed deeper than before, “It is pepsicolacocacolasasisprillakicapoorootbeerorangetomatojuice, my King, and it is CONTAGIOUS.”

Jun’s eye widened at the last word and pulled Hua a few steps away from the tent, then whispered, “Prescription?”

Hua shook his head, “I’m afraid there’s nothing I can do, M’lord, only way he can survive is by sending him back to Tarniania where more able medical aid can be rendered to him.”

Jun placed his hands on Hua’s shoulders, “No, I can’t risk letting him spread that dreaded disease to the rest of the Tarnianians, I say we put him to sleep, doc.”

Hua felt for the precious gold coin in his shirt pocket with his left hand, “Well, m’lord, I’m sorry I hadn’t made myself clear, the disease is only contagious for two days, after which the victim will have a high fever running for two weeks.” Hua tried to look grim.

“How queer, but I guess we have no choice…” Jun sighed and shouted into the tent, “Joo of the Luelin house, you’ve been a brave warrior and servant of Tarniania, but you are in no condition to continue the fight, I thus order you to return to Tarniania and pass our stories down should we not be able to return to tell them.”

“But, m’lord, I want to stay and fight! I can’t just leave like that!” Joo had never found happiness so hard to hide as he scrambled around in the tent packing his stuff.

“No, I insi---” Jun raised an eyebrow as Joo came out of the tent with all his gear packed and ready to set off. “Now that was fast.”

And Joo set off without any delay, the farewell was brief, very brief, almost too brief to be considered a farewell. But Joo was eager to leave, and the Tarnianians weren’t exactly keen to spend anymore time with a victim of some weird disease.

30 - Chapter 10: Rise of The Gaylord

2007-10-29T05:56:00.000+08:00

Battle horns sounded before daybreak, Jun scrambled out of his tent and rushed to the asshole. He peered through to the other side, he could not believe what he saw, twice the amount of troops they saw on the shore the day before were marching towards the asshole, and would reach it by noon. Jun rubbed his eyes and looked towards the Indigo Sea; faint silhouettes of ships in the distant shores were visible. The storm only destroyed half of the Frankian reinforcements, the other half had arrived in the night. Jun scurried over to Li’s tent, picked a huge rock up and flung it onto the tent.

Nothing.

“Wake up, Chancellor.”

Still nothing.

“Hey look! Fresh salmon!”

A head shot out of the tent, “Where?”

“There.” Jun pointed to the asshole.

Licking his lips, Li got up to his feet and dashed to the asshole. He let out a soft whimper when he saw what he saw, then turned back and returned to Jun on fours.

“Wake the troops, we’re at war.”

“Jun, any battle plans? My men are ready” Huo came up to Jun as the Tarnianians took their positions behind the barricades.

“Well, can we have salmon for dinner tonight? And that Hulk guy looks like he can chop trees easily, and fruits, yes, you have that tall guy, he can gather fruits…I’m getting hungry already.”

“You mock us! Jun” Huo knocked the ground with the base of his rake, “You want the salmon pan-fried? Or deep-fried.”

“Raw for Chancellor Li, pan-fried for the rest.” With that, Jun dismissed Huo and his troops, who he had always deemed would hinder his plans.

“Tarnianians, fall in! Hold the asshole!"

The Tarnianians fell in into a compact unit, with shields high up and spears pointing to the front, and they waited.

The approaching of the Frankians could be faintly heard where the Tarnianians stood, sweat trickled down the foreheads into their eyes – an extremely irritating occurrence, and the Tarnianians stood, twitching and wincing their faces, trying hard not to move much as they looked cool in that formation. The rumbling got louder and louder, small stones rolled down the scaly walls and the ground shook, soon, the first of the Frankian soldiers came into sight as they charged in from the other side of the asshole. As the first Frankian emerged on their side of the asshole, spears pierced through his body, and the next, and the next, but they kept coming.

“Push!” screamed Jun.

And the Tarnianians pushed, they tried pushing, but they realized that they would eventually be overrun, “fall back, fall back!” Jun screamed as the Frankians pounded on the Tarnianians shields, threatening to break them the very next instant. The Tarnianians ran back fast, and never looked back. Only one remained on the battlefield. And the Frankian troops surrounded him. The fleeing Tarnianians stopped in their tracks when they realized they were not being pursued.

“Robi! Shuunpo out! Quick!” Li shouted.

“Fool! Li, that’s devilry, only death gods know how to Shuunpo! All we can do now is pray that the valiant Robi dies an inviolated death.” Jun shook his head.

The Frankians slowly gathered around Robi and crept towards him slowly, like a viper closing in on his pray, like a pig trotting towards the corn in the mud. Still, Robi stood unfazed by the danger before him. There was no hope for him, none could save him save divine intervention. Then, the unexpected happened; the Frankian troops tossed their weapons onto the ground, and knelt down in front of Robi.

“Hail to the great Gaylord Robi, we are under your command.” The Frankians chant in unison.

Robi folded his arms and grinned, “Well, my loyal ones, for now, smooch and be merry. And once we’re merry, we must not tarry, and gather some berry, so that we won’t look so scary, then we’ll hurry, back to Frankie, and make him sticky!”

“All hail Gaylord Robi! All Hail Gaylord Robi! All Hail Gaylord Robi!” The Frankians cheered with joy and starting making out on the spot. Robi turned and winked at the frightened Tarnianians, who wondered what scary thoughts Robi had when he swallowed the magic bean.

After the intense lovemaking by the Frankians and torment for the watching Tarnianians, the Frankians began their march back to the Frankian camps, naked. Robi had ordered them to make Frankie sticky by the simplest means possible (and yellowish/whitish if possible) and to kill themselves after that.

The Tarnianians cheered as the final buttcrack went out of sight, the first battle had been won by them.

30 - Chapter 9: Dragon's Butt

2007-10-29T05:53:00.000+08:00

The troops gazed in amazement as Dragon’s Butt came into view, Phin jumped when he saw it, for he thought it was the behind of a real dragon, for before him stood a huge scaly wall with a curved top and a small hole at the center of its bottom just wide enough for a small wagon to pass through.

“The asshole…that is where out enemy shall pour out from, Huo, have your men set up the defenses needed near the asshole. There is something I’d like to give to our enemy before the battle. A little meeting gift…”

Huo passed his orders down and within moments barricades and tents were propped up while Jun led his men through the asshole. On the other side of the wall, Jun and his men finally realized the terror they were about to face, to the east, Frankian troops were scattered all over the land as far as the naked eye could see. And from the Indigo Sea to the west even more troops were arriving.

“M’lord! There might be thousands or even tens of thousands camped on the shores, and look at the Indigo Sea, it is covered with Frankian ships! I believe the bulk of his troops aren’t even here yet! When they amass, they might be millions, what are we to do?”

Jun had a stern look on his face, “Come, brave Tarnianians, rally about me!” Jun pointed at the sea, “Look! The Gods favour us.”

The men cheered at the sight, a storm gathered above the arriving ships and the waves crushed many of the ship, the leading ship suffered the greatest wrath, it was thrown towards a huge rock a few miles ahead of Jun and his army. Splinters flew in all direction but the men held their shields and were not troubled. The crash was over and shields lowered, Jun and his men laughed merrily, for a great part of Frankie’s great army laid waste in the Indigo Sea.

“Survivors!” Li diverted everyone’s sights to a flotsam, there were two survivors, one was lying on the flotsam, and the other was clinging on to the edge of the plank.

“Fools!” Li muttered, “The plank will not hold both their weight!”

The men couldn’t possibly have heard him amidst the chaos and storm, but it seemed as if they did, for the man who was clinging on the plate gave the one leaning on it a kiss on the cheek, “Jack! No! I can’t lose you!” the one on the plank screamed as the other released his grip and sank deep into the Sea. Whether Jack drowned to his death, or was rescued by the little mermaid, you will have to google for yourself, but one thing Jun could tell; the two men were in love.

At this realization, Jun cast his gaze across the rest of the sinking ships, men were locked in their lips saying their last goodbyes, butts were groped and crotches caressed. The Frankian troops are homosexual. Jun turned to Robi with a worried look, “Pass the word for the troops to have their groin guards on at all times. And…” Jun took a step back away from Robi, “Why are you smiling?”

Robi covered his mouth with his hands and shook his head, “Nothing, M’lord, I’ll pass the word now.”

Jun sighed and told himself it will all be fine, “Gentlemen, let us go back through the asshole, rest well tonight, tomorrow, the battle begins!”

It was a restless night for Jun, as he dreamt of answers which he did not know the questions of. He dreamt of Frankie wrapping his arms around Jun’s body from behind. He dreamt of Oswald playing five stones with Shi. He dreamt of Joo cursing Jun’s family in his sleep. And lastly, he dreamt of a soldier, clad in Tarnianian robe, body wickedly deformed, somehow, he had a bad feeling about the final dream.

30 - Chapter 8: Allies

2007-10-27T05:31:00.000+08:00

It was a two-day journey to Dragon’s Butt on foot, possibly three, if the scorching Sun kept at it. The burning sand seared the feet, but the thirty trudged on without rest till nightfall. It was a moonless night; the soldiers ate in silent and slept. Before dawn the thirty were on their feet, and they pushed on, across the sandy plains which separate Dragon’s Butt from Tarniania.

“M’lord! To your west, a small army approaches.” Li pointed out to Jun.

“Halt the troops.” Replied Jun as he stood facing the approaching army.

Clad in white robes and armed with farm rakes, the army was made up of roughly a hundred men of flabby arms and balding scalps.

“The graveyard’s to the South, if you’re on your way to stick a foot in.” Jun, with a half smirk, told the leader, who was practically bald and had a long white beard.

The leader looked up at Jun who stood two heads taller, and stroked his beard, “Hmm…have pity on an old man…how do you expect me to speak to you with my head raised so high? Ooooh…my poor spine…”

Jun sigh and got down on one knee, “Alright, old man, what do you want?”

The leader drove the foot of his rake into the ground and leaned on it, “Ooooh…age is catching up on me, and I tire easily….”

Jun could not believe what was happening to him, he sighed again and patted his outstretched thigh, “Here, you can sit on my thigh…”

The leader grinned with delight, and hopped onto Jun’s thigh, “Well, we’re here to help with the driving off of the Frankian forces!!” The leader swung his fists in the air as he said it, no signs of weariness or age at all, and Jun wondered why he wasn’t already licking the old man's blood off his sword.

And as Jun gazed at the animated leader demonstrating the mantis skill which he would unleash on Frankie when he lays his hands on him, he could not keep the image of him stabbing at the old man’s repeatedly at his chest out of his mind.

It was only when the leader stopped his antics when Jun snapped out of his daze. Eager to get over this delay and move on, Jun had to persuade them to return to where they came from.

“Well….”

“My name is Jia, Huo Yuan Jia.”

“Ok Huo Yuan Chia…if…”

“It’s …Huo Yuan Jia.”

Jun shrugged, “Whatever, well, if you wanna tag along, you gotta show me what you’ve got, how bout a small bout between your strongest warrior and my weakest?”

Huo Yuan Jia nodded, “ All my warriors are equally strong, you can choose anyone you wish to fight against your soldier.”

Jun smiled, and walked over to Phin, “Eh, this is your chance, I’ll pick the scrawniest old man, you beat the hell out of him, and I’ll feed Angelina something else, deal?”

Phin agreed with excitement, amazed at the ease he could be relinquished of his punishment, he grabbed his spear, took a deep breath to stick his chest out and strutted to the middle of the two groups. Jun came up behind him and looked at Huo’s soldiers, they were huddled together in a tight bunch; apart from the few standing in front, he could hardly see those standing behind, except their heads. Finally, he pointed to the one he with the thinnest neck and the goofiest smile, “You! Come out!”

The man smiled and made his way to the front, when the front men parted to make way for him, Jun almost swallowed his own fist when he saw biceps the size of his paunch , bulging chest muscles harder than onyx and abs he lost count of. “The name is Hulk, Incredible Hulk, wanna play?” Hulk teased as he rubbed his fist against his palm.

Phin turned around and gave Jun a desperate plea, “Please, M’lord, my mother sick at home, and I am the sole breadwinner…”

Jun laughed, “And what of the poor gate guard? Hmm, considering the fact he'll get his pay docked for the rest of the year, it does make sense, you will be the sole breadwinner. Worry not; I’ll get you out of this fix.”

Light came back to Phin’s face and he turned back to face Huo’s army.

“Hulk!” Jun shouted at Hulk, “I called you to the front because you were blocking the one behind you! You! The short guy, yes, you! Come out!”

The man whose head hovered slightly below the rest stood up and strode to the front and stood right in front of Phin with his crotch right in front of Phin’s face. Phin started to wonder if he had misplaced his trust in Jun's judgment while Jun tried to swallow both his fists. “You! Why are you sitting down in the middle of your band, manners! That is all, you may return.”

As the tall man returned to his band, Phin turned back and gave Jun an extremely friendly wink which sent shivers down his spine.

“Well, I guess none of you are good enough to challenge even my weakest warrior, it’s ok, I will show you mercy, leave now, it’s dangerous where we’re heading to.”

“Well, we brought pictures of our daughters…what a pity…” Huo sighed as he signaled his army to turn back.

“Wait! Wait! I just realized, maybe we need help after all! C’mon, c’mon, let’s go!” Jun tugged at Huo’s robe.

Soon, the combined army were on their way again, oblivious to the mysterious pair of eyes gazing over them from a nearby knoll. Friend or foe, only time will tell. Dragon Butt awaited the brave men as the Sun set, never to rise again…...…at least, for the rest of the night.

30 - Chapter 7: Magic Beans

2007-10-10T23:25:00.000+08:00

Once he was sure that everyone had swallowed the magic beans, Jun smiled.

“Those were actually loyalty beans you swallowed, if ever you have a sway of allegiance, it’ll kill you.”

Joo smacked his hand against his own head, “Gah, fuck.”

“But!” Jun raised his hand, “That’s not all~”

Shi let out a whimper, what other terrors do these dreadful beans contain?!?!

“These magical beans will grant the one who consumed it a special power or ability.”

“Wh…what sor…” Shi tried to squeak a question, but was halted by Jun.

“What powers the beans grant, I do not know, but I was told the powers take shape according to the immediate thoughts the consumer had when swallowing the magic bean.”

Jun paused and observed his men for a moment, “Hmm, so Chancellor Li, what was on your mind when you consumed the bean?”

Chancellor Li’s face grew dark and grim, “Well...I swallowed my bean just after Phin swallowed his, and as it went down my throat, all I was thinking was that the moan Phin made after he swallowed the bean resembled that of a bear…”

Jun shrugged, “Well, let’s just hope it gives you the strength of one and not the hairy genes.” Everyone else thought it was funny, as Chancellor Li stood still with a blank look on his face.

Satisfied that his elite squadron was well equipped with weapons and new powers, Jun decided it was time to set of for Dragon’s Butt – the only entrance to Tarniania. And if there was any way to intercept the enemy, it would be at Dragon’s Butt.

Jun picked up his shield and walked over to Holy Knight Anderson, “Holy Knight, it’s almost dawn now, let us move off, and let us make haste.”

Anderson nodded and turned to face the squadron, “Alright, you heard the man, let’s go.”

The squadron marched off in files of three, with Holy Knight Anderson leading and King Jun right behind him.

They sang songs of war and of victory and their spirit was high, but little did they know their first obstacle awaited them at their very own town gate.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Holy Knight, why did you call for a halt?” Jun went up to Anderson demanding an explanation.

“My lord, something is amiss…hold, while I investigate.” Anderson drew his sledgehammer and crept towards the town gate.

What the…the enemy has already assimilated us?!?

Sweat trickled down Jun’s forehead, and he signaled for the squadron to stand at arms.

Anderson crept towards the town gate, he had to be careful, and he could not afford to make any noise as it might alarm the opposition. He looked back, the rest of the squadron stood where he left them – a good thirty yards behind, he relaxed a little, at least he didn’t have to worry about noise.

As he approached the gate, he found what he was looking for, a shadow leaned against the side of the closed gate, motionless.

A cunning one, well-hidden under the shadows of the gate frame, but no one escapes the sharp eyes of the holy knight

As soon as the shadow was within striking distance, Anderson tossed his shield at the shadow, the shield missed its target and landed on the floor but that was what Anderson intended; with a swift strike, Anderson swung his sledge hammer and struck his shield with a loud ‘CLANG’. The shadowy figure jumped with a start and started running away from the town gate screaming, “HELP!! HELP!! We’re under attack!!”

“Wow, I never knew you could run this fast, Yeong, brother of Phin.” Jun said as the figure ran in his direction.

Yeong stopped in his tracks, and when it finally hit him, and he got down onto his knees.

“Your Majesty! I..I…I… was awaiting your arrival….” Yeong stammered.

“Right…in dreamland eh? Now get your ass over and open the town gates before I soak you in barbeque sauce and grill you.”

Yeong scrambled onto his feet and dashed towards the town gate.

Jun, Anderson and their squadron of 30 elites stepped out of the town gate and started the journey towards Dragon’s Butt, where their fate lies unknown to them.

30 - Chapter 6: The Thirty Gathers

2007-10-09T23:51:00.000+08:00

“Must you go?”

Jun turned around and faced Erika, eyes filled with tears.

“My Queen, I must go and fight, but I will win, and I will return, have no fear.” He brought his lips to Erika’s forehead and kissed her lightly.

“Trust me, I will be back.”

Erika took a step back and forced a smile, “We will wait for you my King…”

Jun could hold his tears no longer, and dashed out of the house.

The Sun never rose late in Tarniania, but it was late as the 30 elite soldiers handpicked by Holy Knight Anderson stood in rows of five in the Tarnianian parade square. Jun arrived and decided to inspect the squad briefly before moving off.

“I am sorry you are not given amply time, Holy Knight.”

“No worries my King, it was more than enough.” Replied Anderson as he bowed, left fist pressed over his right breastplate.

“We shall see.” Jun stepped up to the first Soldier.

The soldiers were clad in light padded armour and held Tarnianian spears and shields, Jun was impressed at the uniformity, as Anderson really did not have much time to prepare the soldiers. The first soldier stood just above six feet tall and looked broad and sturdy. Jun smiled, he had found his Hercules.

“Your name?”

“Joo of the Luelin House.”

“Lu…lue…luelin…..house….” Jun could barely find the
words.

“Aye, is something wrong? You aren’t what I had expected to see in a King you know…the height….oh well..” Joo sighed.

“As expected from a Luelin, tongue as toxic as the stench of rotten fish kept in a wine cellar for seventy years.” Jun was undecided whether he should move on as quickly as he can, if he moved over, he could end this irksome conversation, but he was also a little concerned what sort of weird being the next soldier would be.

“I’d take that as a compliment m’lord, now will you move on please, you are not blocking my view at all, don’t worry, but the smell of your hair really isn’t very pleasing to the nose.” Joo pinched his nose and waved Jun away.

Jun went on the second soldier. This man was of average build, and had this look in his eyes which made Jun want to Bow to him.

“Your name?”

“Robi, of the Herman house.” Came the reply.

Jun shuddered, Holy Knight sure knew how to pick the weirdest people.

“Ahh, a noble family member, it is my pleasure to have you on board.”

Robi smiled and said nothing.

Weird, why am I being all nice and friendly to this guy.

Jun shook his head and moved on to the next guy.

“Your name?”

“sniff….Sal….sniff….Salvin…”

“Umm, what’s wrong?”

Salvin squatted down and started crying.

“Hey hey…dude…you sure you are ready to umm…fight?” Jun asked in concerning tone, while casting a 'I’ll kill you' glance at Holy Knight Anderson.

Salvin wiped his tears and stood up, he stood just above six feet, around the same built as Joo, another Hercules, but a crying one, Jun thought, and moved on.

Jun completed the inspection soon after and had found familiar faces in the squad, Oswald the court jest, Phin the ex-court jest and would-be shield bearer and surprisingly, Shi the court chef.

“I hope I did well, my King” Anderson bowed again.

“Aye, not bad, well done, Holy Knight” Jun replied flatly, trying hard to suppress his killer instincts, his hands couldn’t wait to feel the skin on Anderson’s throat.

This just won’t do, they’ll just get wiped out like bugs by the Frankian troops.Hmm…ah! I nearly forgot bout these!

“Gentlemen, you are a strong lot, the strongest in Tarniania, as verified by my most trusted Holy Knight Anderson. But in order to stand up to the mighty Frankian forces, the Gods have bestowed a gift to all of you.” Jun took out a bag of beans and distributed it to the soldiers.

“These are the magic beans which the founder of Tarniania, Jack traded his holy cow for. And they are known to grant whoever consumes them extremely unique and incredulous powers. Now swallow them.”

And they did.

30 - Chapter 5: The Tarnianian Bastille

2007-10-09T02:17:00.000+08:00

Darker than night and smellier than ogre stool, the Tarnianian bastille is not a place anyone would consider spending the night in.

Immediate execution was, unsurprisingly the most preferred punishment in Tarniania, according to a survey conducted by Chancellor Li on fifty inmates. He was lucky, had he been a day late; there wouldn’t be fifty, as an average of seven inmates kill themselves everyday.

As grotesque as the bastille might be, it had its worth. As criminals who were strong and tough enough to complete at least two years of sentence in the bastille would be released into the Tarnianian army and instantly promoted to commander status as they went through in the bastille would make any battlefield seem like teletubby land, but such cases were extremely rare. In the entire Tarnianian history, only one had made it out of the bastille alive. One.

History may soon be rewritten though, as another stood strong. The Tarnianian bastille wasn’t a very big place. The only entrance lay just outside the castle gates, a small but sturdy iron door guarded by knights of the purple flower, Tarniania’s secret elite force which banner flew directly under Holy Knight Anderson’s command.

It needed the knights of the purple flower to guard it not because it’s of high importance, but more for the fact that the door weighed the same as four pregnant elephants, thus earning it the name, ‘the door as heavy as four pregnant elephants’.

And only those selected to be knights of the purple flower had the strength, or rather, the knowledge of the location of the secret trapdoor which led to the same stairs.

The four knights of the purple flower standing guard at the door as heavy as four pregnant elephants stood engarde as a figure emerged from the midnight fog.

“Password.” The squad leader challenged the approaching figure.

“I’m so hot.” Came the reply.

“How hot?” The squad leader issued the second half of the challenge.

“The sexy kind of hot.” One could only feel that the air around them would’ve died if they had life. There is no doubt about the identity of the visitor.

The guards sheathed their weapons and cupped their palms in front of the faces – a unique form of salute which Anderson’s army practiced.

“Greetings, Holy Knight.”

“Hello. You may recover, open the door please, there is someone I must visit.”

“Purple Hibiscus, go get the rest of the purple flowers, we need to open the door.” The squad leader issued an order to the shortest knight.

“Aye aye, Purple Orchid, on my way.”

“Holy Knight, just a question….” Purple Orchid turned to ask Anderson as Purple Hibiscus sped off.

“Go on.”

“What’s the rational behind the weight of this door? Isn’t it a little….unpractical having it weigh as heavy as four pregnant elephants?”

“Mmm?” Anderson raised an eyebrow, not that anyone could see him do that behind that helmet he donned, but he raised it nevertheless. “I never knew it weight that much, the last time I went in it only took a scrawny old man to open it.”

“You went in before?” It was Purple Orchid’s turn to raise an eyebrow.

“Oops…Hmm...I never said that, do not put words in my mouth, squad leader. Well…..it’s that heavy because…hmm…..oh, now I remember, it’s the hinges!!”

“What about them?”

“Well….the door’s been here since the birth of Tarniania you know, and we’ve never really had an imperial door hinge rust remover…..so…”

“Oh dear, but everyone thinks the door really weighs that much, even the historians, oh dear oh dear, our descendants are going to get all the facts wrong!!!”

“Ahh…no worries, I’ll suggest to King Jun tomorrow to promote some cleaner to the title of imperial door hinge rust remover.”

“That is very kind of you M’lord. Our workload will be much lighter this way.”

“Well, you’re even kinder; imagine how much we will save without having to pay your salaries now that you’re not needed…”

Purple Orchid paled.

Minutes later, Purple Hibiscus brought another four knights of the purple flower to the door. Together, the eight knights pulled open the door and Anderson stepped in. He didn’t need a torch as he knew this place better than his own home, as he had once called this place home.

It wasn’t difficult for Anderson to find Phin, no one could mistake that scream of pain when Anderson planted his iron greaves into what he thought was a stack of hay.

“Oh, you’re here, cool. Let’s get going.” Anderson grabbed Phin, who was clutching his groin in pain by the collar and dragged him out of the bastille. And Phin became the second man ever to leave the bastille alive.

30 - Chapter 4: Preparations

2007-09-19T22:10:00.000+08:00

“Come to me baby…mumumumumuuuuarkzzzzz…oh yeah baby….yeah yeah oh yeah!!!! Hmm..baby…..I never knew you had a moustache….you naughty little fox, oh well, I won’t mind a little prick…come to papa!”

“You’ll do good to wake up now, Holy Knight. And you never seem to take that helm off do you…”

Anderson opened his eyes to find himself staring into Jun’s eyes, his tongue still on his moustache. He was petrified.

Jun stood up and wiped Anderson’s saliva off his moustache.

“M’lord…it’s late….” Anderson blushed.

“Yes, I know, holy knight, but this is important. I’ve some things I must get off my heart.”

“But a simple prod would’ve waked me up, you didn’t have to get so close….”

Jun laughed a little, then walked to the window and and pushed it open. The moon was shrouded by dark clouds which loomed over Tarniania, as if telling of the impending doom about to befall her. He could also see the Tarnianian walls, and images of them collapsing under Frankian forces flashed in his mind. He tried to shake the images off but Ming’s words were deeply etched in his mind. As much as he’d like to fight, he knew that Tarniania for sure would not be able to withstand the siege.

“Anderson.” Jun remained by the window.

“Yes M’lord.” Anderson had gotten up and was almost done suiting up.

“Gather thirty of our best soldiers, I want them all equipped and ready to move off by dawn. And release Phin, he shall join the roll call tomorrow. Keep Angelina hungry though.”

“Consider it done, m’lord.” Anderson bowed.

Jun made for the door, and paused for a moment as he stepped out. “The fate of Tarniania will depend on these 30 lads, Anderson.”

“Aye my lord, I understand.” Anderson remained bowed.

Jun stepped out of the chamber and closed the door softly before leaving.

“Well done, Ming, here’re your bananas as promised.”

Ming’s eyes brightened and he clapped his hands with delight as the mysterious figure tossed him a bunch of bananas.

“Your job is done, and no one will hear of this, God-King Frankie will reward you handsomely when Tarniania falls.”

Ming hugged the bunch of bananas to his chest tightly and bowed slightly, “Aye, safe travels, General.”

“I will need to return to the Frankian camp, meanwhile I will need you to keep an eye on Li, he may have sworn his allegiance to Frankie but he has not been purified like we have.”

“Purified?”

The mysterious figure pointed to his own groin, “Yes, purified.”

“Oh, we call that circumcision here.” Ming replied with a proud look as he had been the one asking the questions for too long, and for once, he was the one answering.

“I see, very well then, I bid you farewell, my friend.” The mysterious figure faded into the night as he finished his line.

“Wow I always wondered how he did that…..maybe it’s the bananas.” Ming talked to himself as he peeled a banana excitedly.

30 - Chapter 3: Blessings

2007-09-19T21:20:00.000+08:00

Nightfall, the Tarnianians had turned in early that night, leaving the tavern the only place bustling with life.

Jun stepped out into his courtyard and looked up into the sky, “Ahh, the night skies of tarniania, how beautiful…”

A pair arms wrapped him gently from behind.

Jun placed his arms over hers, “Don’t worry Ivy, I won’t be long…”

“Who?” It was Erika’s voice.

Jun jumped, “Oh, nothing.”

“Why’re you in your climbing gear, and why are you carrying such a huge pouch of gold?” Erika asked.

“Oh, I’m going to climb the mountains to the altar at the top, where the high priests reside, and this pouch of gold, it’s to buy those greedy and lecherous priests’ blessings. Damn, I hate climbing.”

“Well, good news I guess, it’s Tuesday, ladies’ night, they should be in the tavern.”

“Oh, cool, I’ll go there then.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too, Ivy.”

“Who?”

“Oh, nothing, you my dear.” Jun turned around, kissed her forehead and scurried off to the tavern, whilst thanking the gods he had a stupid wife.

No one noticed Jun entering the tavern as everyone was drunk and partying. It wasn’t difficult to spot the high priests as they have boils all over them ---- the boils serve as a mark of the priests, the bigger the boils, the more powerful the priest is. Indeed, Jun found them half-naked in a dark corner, surrounding a young man. The young man looked like Oswald to Jun but he shook the idea off as Oswald seemed like a decent boy.

Jun grabbed the leader of the high priests -identified by the ridiculously large boil on his forehead- by the throat and dragged him out of the tavern.

“Blasphemy! Jun! It is a sin to man-handle a servant of the Gods!”

“Screw the Gods, screw you.” Jun bellowed at the Priest’s face.

The music had stopped and a crowd gathered, profanities could be heard from amongst the crowd made up mostly by drunkards.

Jun grabbed the priest by his collar and lifted him off the ground. “Listen to me filthy Ming and listen well, the Frankians are going to lay siege on Tarniania soon, and if we don’t make battle plans, I’ll see how many lads’ behinds you will be able to take to the grave with you.”

“Let me go, imbecile. We shall consult the oracle.” Ming replied calmly.

Jun laid the scrawny man back on the ground. Ming turned and gave a signal to the rest of the high priests and they gathered around him, leaving the Oswald-look-alike by himself at the corner.

Jun took a closer look, the lad is Oswald, no doubt about it.

Ming mumbled some incoherent words and the lad fell almost immediately into a deep trance.

Ming took two steps back; everyone’s attention was on Oswald. All of a sudden, he stripped and started dancing even though there’s no music to dance to. It carried on for some time before the lad fell back to the ground, motionless.

Ming ran over to him and bent over, placing his face just over the lad’s. He ran his lips over his smooth left cheek lustfully and gave him a small peck on his lips. The sight was horrendous to bear even for the blind. The lad came to and whispered some words into Ming’s ears.

Ming stood up and turned to face Jun. “The oracle has spoken, foolish Jun. Tarniania shall not go to war.”

Jun moved up to Ming, grabbed him by the collar again and pushed him right up against the wall. Their faces so close they could feel each other’s breaths.

“Listen here, fool, Tarniania WILL go to war. I come to seek your blessings, not your permission. Name your price.” Jun scowled.

Ming took advantage of the situation and sneaked a peck on Jun’s lips. Jun’s face writhed in terror, he spat at Ming’s face and jumped back instantly.

Ming smirked and showed Jun a five with his left hand.

Jun nodded and tossed a bag of gold coins in front of Ming. Ming looked down at the bag of coins, then focused his gaze back on Jun as he tried to hide his smile.

“Not enough? That’s five thousand gold pieces, don’t go overboard, sharkfood.”

Ming seemed unfazed by the insults, instead, he smiled. “I wasn’t referring to gold coins, Jun. I want five bunches of bananas.”

Jun was furious when he heard Ming, “Bananas do not grow in Tarniania! Don’t try and play the fool with me, Ming.”

Ming folded his arms and sneered, “Well, no blessings from the high priests then, goodnight, m’lord.”

Jun pointed straight at Ming’s face, “Fine then, Tarniania will go to war, and win the war, with or without your blessings.”

With that, he turned and left the tavern, slamming the door behind him.

30 - Chapter 2: Messages of War

2007-09-19T21:17:00.001+08:00

As the frankian horsemen galloped through the streets of Tarniania, whispers of both fear and excitement could be heard amongst the Tarnianians who saw them.

The horsemen slowed to a trot as they approached King Jun’s courtyard. King Jun stood there in the middle of the courtyard, eyes fixed on the messengers from Frankia, expressionless.

The leader trotted all the way to Jun’s face. Jun stared into the horse’s eyes, he could feel the animal’s breath on his face, it was warm and smelt like seaweed.

“Up here, King Jun.” a voice came from above the horse.

“Ah so that’s where you are!” Jun looked surprised to find a man on the horse.

The men got off their horses and gathered in front of Jun.

“We bring you a message from God-King Monkey, I mean…Frankie.”

“Cool, let’s hear it.”

“By now, you should have heard wind that it will not be long before Tarniania is surrounded by our massive army.”

Jun nodded.

“Bring it on! We’re not afraid of monkeys!” The voice came from behind Jun and it was a woman’s voice, Erika’s voice.

“King Jun, how dare a mere woman speak such daring words in front of men?”

“Because only women give birth to true Tarnianian men!” Erika pouted, sticking out her tongue.

The messenger stared in disbelief as Jun shrugged and feigned ignorance.

“Go on, messenger, what does Frankie want to tell us?” Li tried to break out of the awkward situation.

“As God-King Frankie is merciful, all we ask from Tarniania is some food and land as a sign of submission under the might of God-King Frankie and Tarniania will be spared.” The messenger said warily.

Jun looked at Anderson and Li, they nodded at one another and Jun turned back to face the messenger.

“Fine by us, does he want chickens or pigs? As for the land…will he want the ones we grow rice on? Or the ones we grow vegetables on?” Jun replied the messenger.

The messenger had a worried look all of a sudden, and turned back to signal his companions to gather for a discussion.

“Alamak abang! You said they sure won’t surrender, now they surrender, we sure mati la!”

“Mati la…God-King Monkey say we must provoke them till they wage war…”

“How I know he bapok…aiyo, think if we go back sure die painfully, why not kill ourselves here?”

“Good idea.”

All the messengers nodded in agreement, and together they ran towards a bottomless pit down the street and jumped down.

It happened too fast and by the time Jun realized what had happened, it was too late.

“Bummer! This is not Sparta! This is Tarnianiaaaaaa!”

“M…M’lord….if his messengers do not return, he will definitely lay siege, we must prepare for war.” Li said to Jun.

“Very well then, prepare for battle, I shall visit the high priests and seek advice.”

30 - Chapter 1: Intro

2007-04-10T20:21:00.000+08:00

Yep, been almost a year since my last post, well, I'm gonna have another shot at epic short stories again, heh. Alright, my latest work will be titled: "30". It'll be kinda like a...parody....well, enjoy!

Chapter 1

Jun rested his chin on his knuckles as he contemplated his next move.

“If you beat me, m’lord”, Phin, the court jest said, “I’ll tell you a secret.” Phin stifled a yawn as he leaned against the back of the chair. It was hard to hide his smile as his next move would be checkmate.

Sweat strolled down Jun’s forehead. He could not believe it, him, king of Tarniania, suffering defeat in the hands of a court jest. It might be chess, but a loss would still be a loss, he had to think of something, fast.

And the thought came fast indeed. “Fool! You dare hide secrets from the King?! This is treachery! Speak, or I’ll have you bleed so much a tomato will call you brother.” He said as he brought the tip of his sword to Phin’s neck.

Phin let out a soft yelp and went down on his knees almost immediately, “Have mercy m’lord…I’m but a humble minion…”

“Then speak!” Bellowed Jun.

“Ff…Ffr…ffrankie’s troops has been sighted by scouts stationed at the outskirts of Tarniania, Chancellor Li has predicted Tarniania to be surrounded in t….two days time…” Phin stammered.

Jun withdrew his sword and kicked Phin in the face, “Why have I not been informed? Why?” He demanded.

Phin scrambled to his knees, “Be…because…you were busy playing chess all day!”

“Such treachery! Men! Lock this fool in the bastille. He shall be Angelina’s lunch tomorrow.”

Fear was written all over Phin’s pale face. “Mercy M’lord! Not Angelina! Anything but Angelina! Please! Feed me to the lions instead!” Phin begged as four imperial guards took him down and bounded him.

“M’lord, we shall bring the prisoner down.” Holy Knight Anderson said.

Jun raised his hand, “Hold.”

Phin looked up, sighing a note of relief. “King Jun has spoken! Now let me go you fools!” He shouted at the guards holding him.

“Holy Knight Anderson, Angelina shall miss all her meals from now on. I want her hungry when she devours this man.”

Anderson bowed, “Yes M’lord, it shall be done.” He backed a few steps and turned around, “We shall leave.”

“NOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooo………” Phin wailed as they dragged him out of the throne room.

“Hold it.” It was Jun again.

A glimpse of hope shone in Phin’s eyes.

“Soak him in salt water for a quarter of an hour before serving, Angelina likes her food slightly salted.”

Anderson nodded and signaled for the guards to carry on.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooo………” The wail became a shriek this time.

Jun covered his ears, “Shut him up!”

The sound of metal crushing bones could be heard and all was silent.

Jun smiled and pointed at one of the attendants in the throne room.

“You, your name.”

“Oswald. M’lord.”

“Oswald…I like that name, a’ight, you shall be the court jest from now on, now sing me a song.”

“B…but…m’lord…I c…” Jun stopped him before he could finish.

“Ah…I almost forgot bout the invasion, summon Holy knight Anderson and Chancellor Li.”

Both officials arrived in the throne room minutes later.

“Ah, my most trusted officials, any updates? Chancellor?”

“M’lord, a Frankian messenger has arrived and demands an audience with you.” Li replied.

“Ahh…a’ight, he will wait at the gates for me. Anderson will you finish this game of chess with me in Phin’s stead?”

“M’lord! This is no time for games! As we speak, Frankie’s army is closing in!” Anderson exclaimed.

“Yes, I know the situation…but I really want to play, oh well, let us meet this…messenger. Oswald, fetch Queen Erika, she shall meet this messenger with us.”

Undersexed Teenage Forum-posters outing.

2006-10-01T20:05:00.000+08:00

Hi, so the undersexed teenage forum-posters went out to have some fun so they'd have something to post on the forums. And as usual, it has to be something totally uncool, cos we have to justify our undersexed status.

Firstly, people who 走路有風 (Walk got wind) must go to places that have 气派. Therefore, we only had one choice, 龍門酒樓.

Firstly, introducing the undersexed teenage forum-posters!

This is JunHong, last seen running in Tampines Interchange, well he ran all the way to harbourfront, yes.

This is Oswald, well he's been missing in action lately, so if you don't know him, you'll have to refer to my early posts. But fret not, Oswald fans, for his chapter will be coming up right after Caili and Anderson's, which will be after Junhong's.

Well who do we have here? It's Caili of course, well, he had his own mini chapter long time ago. And he's had a role in CoUTFP III where he helped Tuiphin find the girl on Friendster. The photo's blurred cos his actions were too fast for the camera to capture. No, seriously, it's just that I couldn't be bothered to hold the camera with two hands to take the pic of such an unimportant person.
Kidding.

This guy, you just have to know him, Anderson Chua, more commonly known as Ugly. He's starred in Blue Masquerade, and has been tangled in a nasty love hexagon recently, which involved some really....irritating characters who I shall not elaborate on. Well, he sure looked serious, for this was a serious occasion..

SO, the question you have in your mind now. WHY? Why have we gathered here? And if you've looked closely at the pics, you'll realise there's no one in the background. Why? Cos we're on serious business.

We were there, to witness a battle.

One sunny day, on Tartar land.

The mushroom-on-dumpling brothers were taking a stroll when suddenly, the siewmai bullies jumped out and asked them for protection money.

They refused to pay up, so siewmai one pounced on mushroom-on-dumpling Jr. and decapitated it, leaving only the shroom head.

Mushroom-on-dumpling Sr. was furious, and he channeled his 'ki' into an invisible blast which tore a wound at Siewmai2's torso.

The siewmais got pissed and massacred the other mushroom-on-dumpling.
"Bastards." The fragrant dim-sums sneered in unison after the last mushroom-on-dumpling fell.

It's been hours since the mushroom-on-dumplings left base for a stroll, worried, sushi and fried-fish rode the dumpling-mobile in search of them.

They arrived at Tartar Island and found what they dreaded most, the mushroom heads of the mushroom-on-dumplings.

"Who could have done this?!?!"

Without any delay, they loaded the carcasess onto Sushi's back and rushed back to base.

"Cha Shao Bao Da Ge! Who could have done this horrendous deed?!?!"

"TarTar Land you said? Hmm, must've been the siewmai gang, we shall avenge the mushroom-on-dumplings, let us move off, my friends."

Cha Shao Bao: "Siewmais, you were the ones who did it."

Siewmais in unison: "Yes and we're gonna do it again."

Sushi: "Shut up, do you know who you're talking to?!?!?"

Siewmai1, on top of sushi: "This is your last chance to regret and repent."

Sushi: " NEVEEEeeeeeerrrrrr............."

Siewmai1, upon gobbling sushi up: "Ha! Owned."

Siewmai2: "I won't lose out to you bro! Take this, fried-fish!"

And fried-fish went down without a fight as well.

"Now, it's only the two of us, vs one of you, retarded bun."

And they spilled char siew bao's char siew.

And the war was won by the siew mai brothers in the end.

C'mon, clap!

A fine story, but an uninterested crowd, this sucks.

Confessions of undersexed teenage forum-posters part IV

2006-09-29T00:23:00.000+08:00

"Yu Xin ah! Your mum's here to pick you up!!" Su Hui yelled at the top of her voice.

"Orh! Coming!!" Yuxin replied as she started packing her bag.

Minutes later, she zipped up her bag, slung it over her shoulder and skipped over to her mother.

"Mummy!! Where did you go just now?" She asked gleefully, holding her mother's hand.

"Orh, I went to see TuiPhin's ge1 tai2!! He so handsome!! Hee~" Yu Xin's mother giggled as if she was the daughter.

"Oh.....that's ...great..." Her smile faded as memories came gushing in.

"Is something wrong?"

"Huh, no, nothing, let's go~" YuXin forced a smile and dragged her mother off in the direction of the MRT station.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As he approached the shop, his heart was pounding, he has never fought before, and he was never taught to fight. All his life, he has lived knowing that fighting is wrong. But on that day, fighting was right, for it was in the name of love.

The bus interchange was crowded, but he could care less. He pushed his way through the crowd and arrived before the remote control shop, Yiyang's remote control shop.

Suhui was carrying her son, trying to pacify him to sleep, while Yiyang was counting stock by the counter, nobody noticed JunHong. There was no sight of YuXin anywhere.

"Bastard, you made yuxin go home early so you can kuai4 huo2 with Suhui eh? I'll show you!"

He walked up to Yiyang, and slammed his head into the wooden counter before he could even look up.

"Stand up and fight you bastard! Stand up! C'mon! You dare to two-time, you dare to fight, c'mon!"

Yiyang stared at his challenger, wiped the blood from the corner of his mouth, and stood up.

"So you're acting tough eh? Well take this bitch" Junhong shouted, and delivered a left hook to Yiyang's cheek.

The scrawny man staggered backward. That wasn't enough for Junhong as he followed up with a barrage of punches and kicks, all deadly and swift.

The crowd had stopped shopping and had gathered, and were cheering for Junhong as he pummelled that rascal to the ground, leaving Suhui and her child crying helplessly at the back.

"That's......for...for...hur...hurting....th..the...love...ofmy life...asshole.." Junhong panted as he stood over a semi-conscious Yiyang whose head resembles a puffer fish after suffering countless blows to the face.

Junhong bent over and lifted Yiyang off the floor by his coller, "If....if...you ever step close to Yuxin again......you're gonna wish I'd killed you today so you wouldn't make that mistake, cos I'm gonna hurt you really...really bad...."

And he threw the loser back onto the ground.

The crowd cheered, and Junhong had won the first battle, what's left to do, is to collect the bride.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Yikes!" JunHong yelped as he nearly tripped while alighting the bus, everyone around was staring at the embarrassed man while he tried to regain his balance.

He caught his balance, stood up and pulled his shirt, trying to act as if nothing has happened.

As he approached the shop, his heart was pounding, he has never fought before, and he was never taught to fight. All his life, he has lived knowing that fighting is wrong. But on that day, fighting was right, for it was in the name of love.

The bus interchange was crowded, but he could care less. He pushed his way through the crowd and arrived before the remote control shop, Yiyang's remote control shop.

Suhui was carrying her son, trying to pacify him to sleep, while Yiyang was counting stock by the counter, nobody noticed JunHong. There was no sight of YuXin anywhere.

"Bastard, you made yuxin go home early so you can kuai4 huo2 with Suhui eh? I'll show you!"

He walked up to Yiyang and knocked hard at the table.

Yiyang looked up and smiled, "Junhong? Hi! Long time no see!"

"Err...hi...."

"Su-Su ah! Look who's here" Yiyang turned around and called to Suhui.

"Who?" She put her child down and rushed over to yiyang's side.

Yiyang turned back, but saw no one there. He scratched his head.

As Junhong ran across the interchange, a voice kept chanting in his head, "Damnit, moron, why'd you run away? That wasn't what you planned on the bus!!! Go on! Fight like how you dreamt!"

He shook his head, and kept running.

Music

2006-09-20T23:36:00.000+08:00

"Daddy!! I wan listen to Machi Didi song!!" Selore tugged at my pants.

"Dun wan la...listen to Elva, nan2 de2 mummy not at home...can look at her cover...Pretty hor? If only ur mummy look like that.."

"Eeeeeeyeeer....I dun wan listen to that old woman, her songs so old le you still listen..." Selore folded her arms and pouted.

I pressed the play button and carried Selore onto my lap.

"You know...Elva's song....hear le will let you remember alot of things de..."

"Of course la! So old le...."

"Hoi!" This girl's certainly pissing the crap outta me.

"I don't wanna lose you now....I don't wanna lose you~~~" I sang along.

Selore covered her ears and shook her head wildly.

"Daddy sing like frog like that!! Eee!!! I go upstairs pei2 di4 di4 play le, mummy bought him the new power rangers giraffe zord! The neck very long leh!!" She tried to push my arms away.

"You're not going anywhere my dear" I held on and she started struggling but gave up the moment she remembered that her dad's a premium member of California gym and trains 4hours a day.

"Well, let's switch to some music that's more suited for you then..." I pushed the eject button and switched the disc.

"I-O I-O-I-O-I-O-I-O I-O I-O......"

Selore smacked her forehead, "Daddy ah!!! Those three old woman so old le still act cute......why you still like them"

I pushed her head gently, "You then old lah, you know hebe how cute anot...."

"Confirm not as cute as my Machi didi!!!" She replied with a silly grin.

I put her down and gave her butt a soft kick, "He's 26, you lil whore, you're 10, you're waaaay too young to be falling in love now. Shoo!! Run along, or I'll take my black marker and turn your chinese Barbie into a nigger!!"

"sniff...sniff"

Uh-oh, that didn't look good.

"Daddy joking only de kk....dun angry....daddy buy Machi Didi poster for you kk? Shiny shiny plus laminate, and bigbig!!!"

Selore stopped rubbing her eyes and looked up in hope, "How big?"

I stretched my hands to the sides as far out as possible, while trying to hold the tears in my eyes, "This big."

She stopped crying and clapped her hands together with joy, sometimes, I seriously wonder if her tears are real.

Kids...............................better not have em....

A shout came from upstairs,

"FAffy!!!!!Firaffe fe neck duan4 liao3..."

Serious thoughts: What will life be like without.....

2006-09-16T22:40:00.000+08:00

1: Chocolate Milk

2: Computers

3: Wheels

4: Pretty actresses

Seriously...unimaginable.

Just for fun.

2006-09-16T22:01:00.000+08:00

I felt a tap on my shoulder, could it be her? No, that's impossible. Well, one must never stop hoping.

I turned around, and it was a delightful surprise. There she was, looking down shyly, pressing the tips of her index fingers against each other.

"Well...umm...h..hi..." I can't believe I was stammering. She was the girl of my dreams.

She looked up at me, her gaze was mesmerizing, I couldn't believe this was happening to me, what was she going to say to me? Was she trying to ask me out?

"Well....I'd like to ask...if....." She stopped.

"Is something wrong?" She asked.

Damn, what the hell was I doing, getting lost in my own fantasy and nodding like a fool.

"Nn...nope....s..ss..o....what?" That was the best I could muster.

"Umm..." She blushed even more. "Can I have Zack's number?"

The Moon has just crashed into Earth, no, this can't be, I will not condone this. If she gets her way, it'll be over, dude, you can do this, just say no, a simple no. Yeah I can do this, I'll just say no.

"Sure~"

I'm a jackass.

Confessions of undersexed teenage forum-posters part III

2006-09-12T21:45:00.000+08:00

"Oei ftp, another fan letter wor, you've really got a way with those girls!" Exclaimed Junhong, holding a postcard decorated with colourful handwriting.

"Diam lah, must be those aunties trying to play afool." Tuiphin rejected him as he rummaged the room for his sequin jacket.

"Now where did that jacket go..."

"Orh..your power ranger vest ah? You're wearing it lah....wtf.."

Tuiphin looked down and blushed, "So..I've been wearing it all along huh.."

"Seriously, what's wrong with you?You need sex."

Tuiphin shrugged, picked up his briefcase and looked at the postcard Junhong was holding.

"Tear it."

"W...why? From your fan leh?" He was shocked by Tuiphin's request, Tuiphin has been extremely receptive of such affection.

"Read it, and you'll understand." He answered, and stepped out of the room.

Junhong read the postcard and instantly tore it away after reading the first sentence.

"Gosh, those sick malay sluts..."

-------------------------------------------------------------------

"Residents of Tampines! Welcome to tonight's ge1 tai2! And I'm pleased to announce that we have a very very special guest tonight! Guess who!!!!"

The crowd roared and started chanting Tuiphin's name.

The lights on the stage darkened and everyone went silent.

"Tommy and Laura were lovers...."

The spotlight shone on Tuiphin as his alluring voice filled the stage. The crowd was captivated. Ever since young, Tuiphin had been regarded as a child prodigy, but he declined all offers to groom him as a star. Till now, no one knew the reason behind his decision to remain in the Ge1 Tai2 industry.

The song ended with everyone in tears and some ladies on their knees even. That was his charm, at the age of 30, he could capture the heart of women of all ages.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"WAh Tuiphin, as usual sia, all the girls see you their legs become jelly.."

"Girls your head...all auntie lah" Tuiphin sneered.

"No leh, some of them got bring daughters leh, some really pretty, look like rainie 10 years ago."

Tuiphin stopped in his tracks, and turned around to face Junhong.

Junhong looked at him puzzledly, "Mmm?"

"Eh junhong, last week you jio me go tampines interchange play dota, why u pangseh."

"Cb, I thought you forget le..." Junhong mumbled to himself.

"Oh....I suddenly remembered, I saw Yuxin that day...."

"So what...people already.......bear his child le..." Junhong replied, rubbing his sole on the ground absent-mindedly.

"What the hell're you talking about? Yuxin bear whose child?" This time, it was Tuiphin who has was puzzled.

"Still got who, that bastard YiYang lor." JunHong replied casually.

"Huh? But when I walked past their stall, I saw SuHui feeding YiYang porridge leh, and she left laogong right laogong de."

Junhong looked up at Tuiphin, his eyebrows raised.

Tuiphin smiled, "So...what are you still waiting for..."

"Damnit that jackass, one leg stepping on two boats, I'll have it out with him! You go back yourself k"

With that, he sped away before Tuiphin could utter another word.

"Gosh...that dumbass, here I am trying to hint him that she's single and he actually thought she's his mistress." He gave a sigh and moved on.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

With both hands in his pocket, Tuiphin strolled down the pathway, where the pathway leads to, he doesn't know. He liked strolling aimlessly, and he could only do that when JunHong's around. JunHong was his only true friend, the only one who understood him and cared for him.

Joo Sheng takes advantage of him all the time, Jia Ming's too obsessed with flirting with girls, Anderson's too ugly, Oswald's a pussy, and Salvin has been warded into IMH due to mental breakdown.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

"Oh no, I don't see anyone in sight! Grr....Kitty...jiayou!" Kitty stopped, took off her heels, then continued running down the path.

She finally stopped at the park entrance, where she bent over and tried to catch her breath.

"Gosh....*pants*...I'm sure...I saw him walking in this direction."

"Who?" Asked a voice from behind her.

Kitty gave a start and turned around, to face a smiling Tuiphin.

"You!" She blurted and covered her mouth, realising her blooper.

Tuiphin gave a weak smile, looked into Kitty's eyes, and asked.
"Do you have time? Mind lending me your ear?"

The sparkle in her eyes made the sun look like charcoal in comparison.
"Why....for you..yes..i mean..." She bit her lips again and whispered to herself "Damnit Kitty, you're making a fool outta yourself."

They sat down at a nearby bench.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Kitty turned and look at Tuiphin, "So what do....oh my god! What's wrong?"

Tuiphin was covering his face with both palms and tears were streaming out from between his fingers, he was crying.

She shook her head and patted him on his back. "C'mon....thing's aren't so bad..."

"Fyesff, ffhey fare....*sniff*" His words were muffled as he spoke with his palms pressing against his lips.

"Well, you can lean on my shoulder....if you want to..." She gently offered.

Tuiphin hesitated for a moment, but leaned on her anyway.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

After what seemed like hours, Tuiphin sat up, raising both hands up to stretch, and yawned. Then he suddenly remembered Kitty, who has fallen asleep as well.

He put his hands down and relaxed, then turned around to face her. And he remembered that he had not taken a good look at her, and she was definitely the prettiest girl he had ever met.

He felt her right cheek with his left hand, running his left index finger along her jawline. Her skin was smooth as silk, and even her slumber looked like quilt. Tuiphin smiled, and pushed her fringe behind her ear.

That woke her up.

"Oops, looks like I fell asleep as well..." She yawned, rubbing her eyes.

"Sorry..did I wake you up?" Tuiphin asked, hand still behind her ear.

"Uhh..no..." She smiled awkwardly, and pushed Tuiphin's hand away.

"Sorry." He blushed.

"It's ok." She smiled.

"Well."

"Well."

They looked at each other, both cheeks red like tomatoes.

"You first."

"You first."

Again, they said it at the same time. They looked at each other again and laughed.

"Alright, I'll go first." Tuiphin said, with a foolish grin.

Kitty nodded.

"You know...you're different from others." He said.

She tilted her head a little to the left with a curious look on her face.

Tuiphin smiled. "You're the first girl, who's made me feel like I'm a normal person."

Kitty raised her eyebrows, "Mmm?"

"Normally, when girls see me, they just pounce on me, ask me for my signature...take photos with me...and that irks me. I love to sing, all I want to do is sing, why must I face so many other irritants? But you, you're different, you're the first who doesn't tell me how much you love me, you just sat down and lent me your shoulder to cry on, and now you're listening to me blabbering about my own problems. And I thank you for that."

Kitty nodded and smiled.

"So.....you aren't very fond of your female fans...are you...."

"Yes, and I especially hate those who got my address through underhand means and flood my mailbox with letters and gifts, I hate that kind of attention, it's so.......fake! So.....superficial!"

She nodded and smiled again. She didn't say anything.
------------------------------------------------------------

"Do you believe in love at first sight?" Asked Tuiphin.

Kitty nodded.

"I don't...at least...I didn't...untill now..." Tuiphin added.

She looked at him.

Tuiphin felt his heart racing, he was falling for a girl he barely knew for three hours.

Kitty looked down and started swinging her legs sideways.
"So...did you read the postcard?"

"Postcard?" Tuiphin looked surprised.

"Hmm...You should've received it last night....I made it really colourful so that you'll notice it."

Tuiphin's eyes widened in bewilderment.

"Oh my freaking God! You're that fucking mal...."

She gave him a hard slap before he could finish his line.

"That was swedish you dumbass, it took me a whole night to translate it from English using a small little dictionary, and you thought it was malay?"

With that, she stomped off, leaving her heels behind.

Tuiphin picked up her heels and shouted after her, "Hey your hee....."

"Fuck off!!" She screamed back at him.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tuiphin gave up chasing her and looked down at the pair of silver heels he was holding.

"Gosh I don't even know her name......what's this....Cinderella 2016?"

"The clock has struck midnight and the lady has gone home, and the prince, holding the glass shoes in hand, will turn the town upside down...in search of his true love, the one who can fit into the shoes....." Tuiphin smiled to himself.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

The phone rang.

"Yoyoyoyo! Caili in the house yo!" Caili answered the phone.

"Don't be gay, Caili, I need a favour" It was Tuiphin's voice.

"What's up man!"

"Dude are you on crack? It's not Friday afternoon, stop acting like one of em!"

"Sorry..." Replied a calmed Caili.

"I need you to go friendster and help me find a girl."

"Orh, so..what's her name?"

"Don't know."

"Huh...how old is she, where she live? Where she study last time?"

"Don't know."

"Then how you want me to find her? Tell me what you know." Caili was beginning to find the request absurd.

"She's a girl."

"Ok, that helped, now we've cut the list by half."

"She's pretty." Tuiphin replied in a dreamy tone.

"Yes bro! That was the most important link, now I've narrowed the search result to 20!"

"She's...chinese, and her skin very white...very soft....and has waist-long hair"

"Wah, this one also you know, oh I think I found her. Gosh, I never thought this would be so easy, Singapore girls really so hopeless ah..only one skin white white soft soft, got long hair and is pretty." Caili mumbled through the phone.

"So what's her name?" Tui phin was becoming excited.

"Kily Gonzalez" came the reply.

"WHAT?" Exclaimed Tuiphin.

"Kitty Gong." Caili corrected himself.

Tuiphin heaved a sigh of relief and hung up.

"Kitty Kitty....Puppy'll find you no matter where you are." He promised as he held on tightly to the pair of silver heels.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Confessions of undersexed teenage forum-posters part II

2006-09-03T11:02:00.000+08:00

Hi, and today's candidate is....none other than...

Lin Jun Hong!

K....here goes...

Year 2016

Lin Mama: "Hong ah!! Where you going?"

Junhong: "Orh, I going to play dota with Tuiphin, byebye!"

Lin Mama's eyes widened and swung the butcher knife with all her might, splitting the trotters on the chopping board into pieces, sending out a deadly resonance.

Any wastrel son in a right state of mind would scurry off to the lift without a single consideration, and Junhong did just that.

At the age of 30, he was still jobless, penniless and single.

Well...he had a job....but the pay he got didn't justify it as a job, a measly $2.50 an hour for selling remote controls at Toa Payoh Central.

An hour later, Junhong reached Tampines Interchange, which had already been fully air-conditioned as well, in the year 2016.

And as usual, Tuiphin sent Junhong an sms saying he'll be late, and Oswald's still surfing porno at home. So he decided to browse around.

It was supposed to be a casual browse.....but it just happened that Junhong was an observant person and saw what he refused to believe.

A rival remote control shop.

Being the loyal employee that he was (He's been working there for 10 years). He decided to check it out, so he approached the salesgirl.

"Umm..hi..."

The salesgirl, whose back was facing him initially turned around and gave him a friendly smile.

"Yes? Can I hel..JunHong?"

He could've struck ToTo, but no, this was better than ToTo.

"Yu...yu...yu...Xinnn....."

"How've you been?" She asked.

"Well....I.....fine.." He choked on his words.

"Mummy!!!" A squeak came from behind her.

"Oh! I almost forgot! Darling come~ call uncle JunHong"

A small little toddler scrambled forward to Yuxin and leaned against her legs.

"ffnkle gjunhng" He muffled with the pacifier in his mouth.

Junhong could not believe his eyes.

"Is he your...."

Yuxin nodded.

"Looks like me wor..."

"He's YiYang's"

'Holy crap, still that fucker...' Junhong thought to himself.

"Frankly speaking, it's because of him that I left you that day."

Since nothing could revert the current situation, he decided not to hold it anymore.

"Why did you leave me behind and ran off with him?"

"Cos you short mah."

"I grow taller le ..." Junhong replied as though he has been wrongly accused.

"Don't bluff lah, they say short people cannot grow tall even if they go all the way to Beijing."

"So you still selling fake remote controls at that lousy shop ah?" ASked YuXin

"Don't lidat say lah." Replied a blushing Junhong.

"You'll regret it." That was his best shot.

"Won't leh." She gave a quick and cold response, with a smile.

"Chao....." He walked away, trying to suppress all the anguish that had been welling up inside him all these years. She was the reason he's remained single all along.

*camera zooms back at Yuxin's stall*

"Hey yuxin!! Was that Junhong?" Suhui walked up to her, munching on the chocolate waffle she just bought from Q bread.

"Yup!"

"Oh my god!! What did you say to him? Why he look so sad?"

Yuxin shrugged, scooped up the toddler with both her hands and passed him to Suhui.

"Your son hor...really should stop calling everyone mummy, if not next time sure kena kidnapped."

"Choy choy choy..touchwood" Suhui replied with a laugh.

Yuxin smiled, and watched longingly as Junhong faded into the crowd.

The flame that died 17 years ago, had just been reignited.

30minutes later, Tuiphin reached tampines interchange, saw no Junhong, exclaimed a huge "WAH LAO! That fucker! He go mosque issit!"

And went home.

Environmental Conservation

2006-09-01T23:14:00.000+08:00

Uh-huh...finally..something serious to talk about.

I've been pondering the past two days. Why? You ask, well, cos I've got nothing better to do.

And what have I learnt?

I've learnt that sitting down and doing nothing but fantacise for 2 whole days is a total wastage of Oxygen.

And therefore, I shall ask of all scientists who're trying to research and develop things that're impossible to develop to try this thing I'm gonna suggest.

And that is.....something like a tampon that we can stuff up one of our nostrils when we have nothing better to do.

Reason: So we'll only take in half the oxygen and therefore waste only half of it when we're doing nothing .

I'm serious.

On a sidenote, if it really happens...make sure it's scented....but pls...no fart smell.

I'll like roast chicken smell...

Or mebbe rotten egg smell for those who're on a diet.

**All thoughts in this post are purely crap and should never EVER be taken into serious consideration be it you're a chinese kid, an indian girl or a malay transvestite (My barberesssss).**

***Only half of the usual amount of Oxygen has been wasted in the process of typing this post due to a timely nose block***

Confessions of undersexed forum-posters

2006-08-21T22:08:00.000+08:00

---Best viewed while playing 2nd song from song list, left sidebar---

Hi, let's see, I've got a bunch of losers and a bunch of pretty girls they've got crushes on, so let's see what we can do...

Candidate no.1: Caili

Characteristics: Disgusting, chubby, crippled (for now), digs nose with all ten fingers, uses camera to take photos of his own leg hair.

Crush: Yeung Fan

Mock scenario 1:

After much procrastination, Caili finally mustered enough courage to confess to Yeung Fan

"Umm....hi!" Caili greeted her, one hand scratching the back of his head.

"Hello!"

"Well..you know...we've known each other for like...2 years and we haven't really...got to know each other yet....so..."

"Dinner?"

Caili blushed for that was just what he wanted.

"Uhh ..yeah..."

Yeung Fan takes out her notebook and flips through it.

"Hmm..let's see...how bout....next friday?"

"Sure, clerks don't work on friday! Macdonald's?"

"How bout the new french restaurant in town? I heard the food there's great!"

Caili's eyes bulged out, he retrieved his wallet and rummaged through it.

Guess I'll just have to sell my 3rd hand Phantom, he thought to himself.

"So it's settled then...our... date?" Yeung Fan asked with a titter.

Caili nodded as though his head was connected to his body by a Three hundred and sixty degrees rotational ball bearing rather than the fat, short and stiff neck he actually has.

"Alrighty, this Friday, 7.30pm? Remember to make the reservations! Hee~"

Caili looked as if he had been posessed by a semi-retarded potianak, taking his phone out and dialling the numbers as if he's the lines for Singapore Idols's going to be closed.

The reservations were made.

Caili turned to face Yeung Fan, hoping for something more than a promise, only to see a queer look on her face.

"Umm...sorry...I've been on phone with Robi all this while....."

She pointed to the bluetooth receiver on the side of her face facing away from Caili

"You were trying to tell me something?"

"Umm....nothing.....hey look! a purple mosquito!" He pointed behind Yeung Fan.

And he took his leave, unnoticed, while she shifted her full attention to the mosquito that wasn't there.

Blue Masquerade

2006-08-16T20:51:00.000+08:00

As he tightened the knot on his right shoelace, trickles of sweat rolled down his cheeks and dripped onto the ground.And when he stood up from the half-squat position he was in, time ran out.

It was now or never, anymore time wasted, and the thing he had always dreaded would finally happen.
However, being the stubborn man he had always been, Anderson decided to hold it off a little longer, just a little bit.

He took a deep breath, and bent down to retie his left shoelace....then he heard the voice.

"It's coming...."

"(Wh...what was that...? Oh well..probably my mind playing tricks on me..)" He thought to himself.

And again, he heard the voice, "It's coming...."

He stood up and looked around, trying to locate the source of the mysterious voice.

He was in a lift, with his crush, Christina beside him.

"Why're you staring at me like that?" She asked.

"mmf...s...sorry..."

"You're acting strange."

"It's..nothing...I just feel...funny.."

"Are you alright?"

"Yeah...yeah..(If you kiss me right now, yeah!)"

"Why are you smiling to yourself now?!" Christina frowned.

"Oh..oh...uhh..nothing......" Anderson replied, shaking his head and waving both hands in front of her frantically.

"Weirdo"

That last word certainly made Anderson's day, for that had been the last word he wanted to reach his ears after five years of courtship which resulted in nothing but dust, as well as a hole in his pocket.

"Well..umm..Chris....."

"What?" She snapped without even looking at him, she was getting irritated.

And Anderson finally understood that.

"Umm...you know..after all these years...there's been something I'd always wanted to tell you...and I guess today's the day~" He said gleefully, biting his lips.

She turned away and grinned.

He took her hands, grasped them gently with both his hands, held it up to his chest and looked deep into her eyes.

"Chris...you know how much I like you....and you know how serious I am about you....I just want to know..now...how you feel about me..."

She did not resist but smiled warmly instead. She removed her left hand from Anderson's grip and started playing with his fringe.

"Well....sweety.....I've been very patient with you all these years, and I must say, no other guys have treated me as well as you do, and I will go out with no other man except you."

She went on.

"That is....if every single being on the planet, including all the animals died. Seriously, I'd rather go out with a kangaroo than you. And if you don't release me now you're gonna get something real hard coming at your groin."

She tapped the floor with her heel.

Anderson let go of her hands,took a step back and held his hands out in defence.

"Wait! It's ok...I know what you mean now, and I won't force you ...but...well...now ..I can be myself again...here's...something for you...dear...Christina..."

He shuddered.

"(So this was what the mysterious voice was all about...it's all clear to me now, all the effort used to hold it off till the lift door opens has been in vain. It's coming indeed and it has just arrived.)"

And he farted.

The lift door opened and out stepped a brand new Anderson, leaving behind an unconscious Christina inside the blue box of stench.

New song~

2006-08-10T10:00:00.000+08:00

Hope you like the song I've put up, you can play it from the left sidebar, below the archives, enjoy music at its best ^.^

How well do you know the races?

2006-08-06T08:33:00.000+08:00

Hmm...ok,
Salleh (Arab),
Anderson (Normal, below-average looking chinese),
Kumar (Indian),
Mikael (Swedish) and
Irwan (Malay) are going to play block catching in a 13-storey high HDB block.

Salleh's IT.

Who'll get caught first?

*******************************************************************************

As he strapped on the final layer of tape around the explosives on his chest, Salleh knew he didn't have much time before time is up. And if he's gonna bring someone to hell with him, it's gonna be that Swede.

Mikael knew he's being targeted, as he strode along the corridors of the 8th floor, looking for a good hiding place. Time was running out.

"God damned Arabs, all they know is hunt us whites, can't they go for some Asian meat instead, godamnit....Ah!! A riser closet, if only I can squee..."

And he squeezed into the little space.

A minute passed.....

Then two....

Then three....

And the door opened.....revealing a tall, chubby, dark and angry Salleh.

"Tag, you're it. And I'm gonna blow you up!!!"

"But h....how did you know?"

"Cut down on your meatballs, your farts gave you out, dumbo"

"Ch...cheater!!"

"Oh yeah? Ur god damn country can't even beat those german shephards and their hotdogs in soccer."

*Mikael, in tears* "B...but we still have out meatballs!!!!"

"Nope, the chinese ones taste better....well, it doesn't really matter cos you're gonna die now!!!"

With that, salleh rips off his shirt to reveal the many many cheap and poorly-taped explosives and chuckles gleefully.

"So this is how it feels when you're gonna kill for justice"

Mikael puts a finger to his lips with an extremely intrigued expression.

"Kill? Ummm...sorry...but...how???"

Salleh throws back with a big laugh. "Hahahaha, but of course, with thi...."

"..."

"..."

"Now where did I put that igniter....godamnit!"

"Oh issit that white L-shaped thing you left at my place before coming over? I thought it was a bottle opener!"

SAlleh's eyes widened, everything has come to an end, his cover blown, his objective failed, his ideal crushed. Tears began to well up.

Mikael gave him a pat on the back, "C'mon dude, don't be sad, stop all these terrorist bullshit, I'll treat you to some meatballs after I find that AZN(abbv. for asian) ass.

Salleh rubbed his eyes and the frown turned into a smile almost immediately, just like a kid.

"b...but...that doesn't mean I won't blow everyone up when I find that bottl...pfft...ignitor in ur place...". Salleh pouted.

"Whatever....".

----So now, Mikael's it, did you guess it? So who's next? ANderson, Irwan or Kumar?

Conspiracies at its darkess...

2006-08-01T22:04:00.000+08:00

When u watched the news, it said that smrt and sbs are applying for a hike in bus and mrt fares...you think that's so that they can earn more...well you got it all wrong..

The mastermind behind all these public transport hikes is actually.......

*drum roll*

SINGAPORE SPORTS COUNCIL

REmember(duno who but he said something on tv)'s promise that Singapore will enter the World Cup by 2010? Realised that there has been lesser and lesser campaigns that encourages Singaporean to exercise?

Has Singapore sports council's healthy lifestyle campaign slackened? Hell no. It has pickened up in fact, discreetly.....

There's a reason why most of the people on top have a DR. in front of their names, they're not earning their pay for nothing. They've come up with a plot so dark it had us all bluffed.

The hike in fares is actually initiated by the sports council. By raising the taxi fares first, people will sigh and take more buses and MRTs. Making buses and MRTs our only mode of public transport.

And now, they're applying for a hike, and it'll most probably be approved. Why? Why do this in stages? Why not raise all prices together? Well, the impact would've been different.

If the fares of taxis, buses and MRTs have been raised altogether. People will just sob to Richie Ren's 'ku1 ge4 tong4 kuai4' and suck it up cos they've no other choice, just like GST.

However, by raising the taxi's fares first. People will think they can evade the fare hike by switching to taking buses and MRTs. And NOW that they've increased the fares of those as well, people will realise that all their efforts have been futile, all their hopes dashed, all the dreams pulverised.

And many, with absolute resolve to defeat the menacing(misunderstood) LTA will switch to

1) Walking/jogging to a few stops ahead so as to save cut away the increment of fares.
2) Simply quit taking public transport as a sign of rebellion
3)Cycle
4) Give in.

Note: Car-owners are not affected by this post.

3 out of 4 options require a certain form of exercise ie; walking, running, cycling.

There you go, the darkest ongoing conspiracy, uncovered, by the brilliant me. And we're one step closer to world cup 2010. (Cos people run faster le :) )

DISCLAIMER: All the info and thoughts above are purely personal and has no intention to affect or change anyone's mindset and thinking towards anyone or anything.

Just a suggestion, maybe we should ban Malay ladies above 100kg from taking buses cos they make up the majority of the obese population. They DO NEED the exercise.

Hi.

Guess what day it is today?!?!?

2006-07-21T18:21:00.000+08:00

Hi guys, let's put the block catching behind for a while. Guess what day it is today!?!?!? Nope, it's not my birthday. Yes I know it's friday, the day before saturday, whoever said that get ur ass over to one corner and jack off, hoe.

It's......RACIAL HARMONY DAY!!!! Now I can finally justify the $40 bucks I lost to soccer betting, the cut on my feet, the late publishing of the comic I want, the need to book in at night, the diarrhoea I had, and lastly, the protein that tasted bad. And I'm sure there's more to come.

I must stress that I'm not racist, mebbe a lil bit elitist ;) If you get wad I mean.

It just happens that every racial harmony day, something bad happens, apart from those I mentioned above. The following is really traumatising. I've never been at such a wrong place at such a wrong wrong time...........untill today....

When I stepped out of the gym...and realise it's..2.P.M. Which is the time our pals have finished stealing shoes and handphones at the Mosque (And of course praying. The stealing of handphones and shoes are true, you know that better than I do.)

IT WAS SO PACKED. (Tampines gym's located right beside a mosque fyi)

Never before have I seen so many malays gathered in one place in my life...I mean, I've been to Geylang Serai on Hari Raya, but SERIOUSLY, when I saw what I saw, I swear I could almost count those I've seen in Geylang Serai with my fingers! It's nothing compared to this!

It normally takes me 2mins to walk from the gym to the bustop, and today, it took 15mins. Something is wrong. Religion shouldn't be causing jams, it shouldn't be causing inconveniences to the innocent.

There's a reason why Kallang Stadium is so ulu, it's so that NDP-goers can squeeze themselves to death in the middle of nowhere without implicating others.

But in the middle of Tampines beside the Swimming pool? In Bedok in the midst of HDB flats? No go....our malay pals really need to do something bout the traffic, I seriously won't mind seeing marshallers wearing the CWO vest and bright white gloves ^.^

And umm..., how bout e-prayers? :)

P.S.

To all NSFs, don't worry bout the money you lost to Singapore Pools during the world cup. Don't worry, it's not going to go into other pple's NDP goodie pack or fireworks. You can get it back!!
Just call up the hospital nearest to you and make an appointment with any doctor regarding any ailments you might have.

Try to get yourself an X-ray or ultrasound, and best of all, a minor op. I've went for X-ray thrice and I'm glad to say, the bill totalled up is a pretty intimidating number. So cheer up dude, Singapore Pools did not drain your money, it is merely a medium which helps you transfers your funds to foot your medical bills.

Cheers.

Hi.

Booking in blues...

2006-06-13T22:08:00.000+08:00

Gonna book in in 15mins...so I did this to cheer myself up...ended up sweating......and had to bathe....and in the end..... :( *flags cab*

Here goes, took some effort...heh.

Heh, nice? These are just part of my whole collection...all original, that's why I'm proud ^.^
Wow, I could've gotten some uber comp if I hadn't bought all these. But of course, no point having a good comp when you don't have the games.

Kinda sad though, this may be only a part of my collection, but it's a huge part, looking at the photo, I don't seem to have that many originals. :(

Therefore..you should be like me and support originals!! Then we can be so proud of ourselves~~

... .......Huh? WAd? Oh! That? Oh ...umm...that's...nothing....those're.... umm.....*kicks the boxES of pirated CDs under the table* OLD CLOTHES!! Yeah that's what they are.... x_x

Hi.

Loyal Citizens of Singapore, take a stand, for our land~

2006-06-03T23:08:00.000+08:00

**WARNING: Spoilers for NDP 06 below.**

The title's the start of the song played at the beginning of the parade when all the infantry ppl, scdf and miscellenous pple double into the field and form the numbers '2006'.

From what I've seen, it'll look really nice. That is, to everyone else. Wad do we look forward to the most on 9th Aug? The hanging of the Singapore flag outside your home? Public holiday? Maybe....but seriously, what you guys long for...is the NDP!!!

And seriously, you don't watch the NDP for the lil clowns prancing around the field. You watch it for the parade itself, the parade commander, the suave guards of honour ^.^, the artillery firing, the parachuting! And lastly, the fireworks.

And I am very very sorry to all those who've marched in the NDP for the past 40 years. Sorry for enjoying so much while you were suffering, sorry for picking on all your lil teeny weeny errors. Sorry for sneering when someone faints, and sorry for not remembering any of your faces.

Marching in the NDP is a proud yet torturous event. Yes you feel the pride, but hell yeah you'll feel the pain as well....

Hmm... think I shan't spoil you guys with anymore details. Just know that it's painful and cheer louder for everyone in the field, even the NTUC and MOTOROLA uncles and aunties!

Been freaking busy the past weeks, busy with unarmed combat, and busy with parades. And busy planning how to chao keng the rest of my nsf days.

Let's see...I've got airborne, height confidence course, coastal swim and lastly, lrrp to clear off before I can ORD.

Airborne's gonna last ten days, my balls will shrink but hell I'll do it for that wing =(. HCC's another ball shrinker...hmmmm.....we'll see how it goes regarding this...coastal swim...if Kian Tiong can pass, so can everyone else.

Lastly, lrrp. You don't have to know what it stands for, juz know it's weeks of digging and sand and mud and mosquitoes ---->one word: shit.

And it's really weird how the system works. By completing lrrp, reservice will be 8 years, but if you don't complete lrrp, reservice will be 6years. Wth, you suffer so you can get two extra years of reservice. *claps*

And umm..during NDP, when the president gets out of his car to wave at everyone, please.....*clasps hands* please.....scream at him to get the hell out of the track and onto the saluting die so we can move on with the parade.

And if you're the driver who's gonna drive him 2 rounds around the stadium...pls...you know what to do....you're driving a class3, not a bicycle.

And lastly, please do not litter....somehow I've this gut feeling....the guards of honour......honour the cleanliness of the environment as well..

Seriously...you enjoy watching the parachutes? You think it's just the jumpers working? Well, there're people working behind the scenes....people who burn saturdays just to go there to set up water points for the jumpers, to assist em. Pilots who burn saturdays to fly the chinook. People who burn saturdays to PICK UP ROUNDS that the guards of honour fired. And all of them burnt countless weekends doing things that they will not be recognised for. So please, after the parade, take some time, and applaud their efforts.

Huh? Chey? W...w....wad'ya expect? Jokes? Who do you think I am? A clown? And that I set up this blog to entertain all those who read this?

No seriously...this blog was created to record everything I hate....and if you'd laughed at it....you're a sadist, and I like you. So here's your reward....more Oswald for u to laugh at...

Disclaimer: Nudity and obscene material will be shown in the following images, if you're below 18, or your country's legal age for viewing mature material, pls go to http://www.homestarrunner.com and play with homsar, otherwise, please continue scrolling down.

Hmm...we stayed over at Jiaming's house last week.......and umm...wad did we do?

The loser stuff of course...comic!

And what was Oswald doing?

No, stop rubbing your eyes, they're porn magz alright.....he was reading porn and fell asleep in the process

*No seriously, he was sleeping, and we placed the porn magz we found from the neighbour's doorstep around him, framing him. Please do not mock him, he's in a pathetic enough state as it is. He went to watch Da Vinci Code against his mum's wishes and had to sleep over at Jiaming's house*

But he sure got over it fast....cos when he woke up.....

Yup, it's true, DOTA!

He belongs to our gang of losers after all...

Feeling good now? I bet you do.

Hi.

Hmm....

2006-05-21T20:50:00.000+08:00

Well, this thing's been bogging me for years. I've kept it within me all along. Everyday, it's been like a caged beast, thrashing around, wanting to be unleashed. But I've kept mum about it, cos it's embarrassing....

Why the secrecy? If I wanna keep it a secret, why will I wanna talk bout it now? Cos I can't hold it any longer, I need to let it all out. I don't care if it'll tarnish my reputation, neither do I care if it'll make my parents angry with me. I don't care anymore.

After so many years, I've had it, all these pretendence. Trying to mask this fact........just so that I can still lift up my head, when in fact, all I've been facing this world in, has been a mask all along. The real me never dared to come out. But it's different now, I shall stop hiding, I will tell everyone this secret I held so dearly.

My friends will despise me, my families desert me, and those who don't know me, will laugh at me. But I shan't give a damn, cos if I keep my mouth shut any longer, my fuse might just snap.

If you guys are truly my frens.......then promise...you won't laugh at me, nor despise me after you read what you're gonna read. For it has been my utmost secret for years, and I didn't dare tell it even to my dearest. Please, our frenship, our bond, it's extremely important to me, and I don't want to lose it just because of this dumb secret.

I'm sweating as I'm typing this. Things have never looked so bad.....never have I felt like this....never have I felt that I'm gonna lose everything overnight. But I shd've known that this day's coming. From the day I did that thing. I shd never have done that. And I still feel guilty, damnit, I've been such an asshole..

Conscience? Moral? Well, nah....if I'd those, I wouldn't have kept mum bout it for so long....It's just the mental stress I can't handle no longer.....before I say it all out and cast myself into lifetime damnation. I'd like to apologize...to whom I'm saying sorry to is none of your concerns. Just know that I'm sorry and if I'd a second chance, I never would have done it.

*takes a deep breath* Oh well....here it goes...it was that day...that time...I could never forget.....I wanted to try it at least once in my life......and so I did it, I typed all these to waste your time and now I'm feeling proud of it.

Hi.

Let's talk bout MapleStory

2006-05-16T20:13:00.000+08:00

Hmm...firstly...issit still called MapleStory? Tuiphin kept saying MapleSea...MapleSea....hmm, duno, dun care.

Hmm..Maple has been on my hate-list for years, let's trace it back to where it started...if I remember correctly...it all started from...gunbound? As in, all the cutesy cutesy avatars and backgrounds.

I played gunbound for a while, it was pretty fun, you choose different avatars which have different abilities, and you fight it out with other players in a battlefield, worms style.

It really takes skill to win, cos you have to take into consideration the terrain, the angle, and many other factors when making each shot. So only the most experienced, or the most lucky, will prevail.

But it got old quickly, partly because the focus was on making new accessories, not avatars, and they're beginning to charge fees. So Singaporeans who're extremely cheapskate began looking for an alternative.

Their prayers got answered by Asia Soft, when it produced MapleStory. It was an 'mmorpg' whereby you create a cutesy character from 4 classes and a few tweakings to some facial and hair colour contrasts leading to a rather general and similar appearance, and go around the maple world chopping creeps like......umm..mushrooms....tree logs...pigs......hold on, i need to.... .... .... .... to....sorry excuse m....*holds mouth*...*enters a chain of spasms, puking all over the place in the process*
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Sorry for being rude...
*wipes mouth* "Hey Mom, can you pls ask the tenant to stop watching suria? It's irksome, thanks."

Ok, where was I...Oh, right, the creeps, ya, isn't it dumb? Using cute characters to chop other cute characters? All my games I've played, it's cute/pretty characters chopping ugly/irritating/cute-plus-ugly/irritating creeps. It's the way games are, it's just wrong for pretty characters to chop pretty characters.

CLASSES
Nothing original, base classes are warrior, thief and mage and archer. Very basic concepts, warriors are adept at close quarter combat
, mage at casting spells and archer at range combat. But it all boils down to 1 dull tactic, stay at a comfortable distance and hack at the creep.

The wizards are really archers, and are thieves as well, just that their range attacks take on a different name and animate differently.

There is no distinction between the classes except for some skill difference, it's the same play style for all four classes, despite the various upper classes they branch off to.

PLAYERS
Now here's one good thing about maple, you get to find all the retards gathered in one place. There're people who'd spend 100000hours training up their chars, juz to start new ones so they can spend another 1000000hours training up, and it goes on.

Then there're those who play juz to chat up little girls, but little do they know that most of the girls are guys....or...very fat girls.....that makes you wan to hook up with guys instead.

And there're those who spent 100000hours playing and getting their char lvl super high calling themselves pros and other noobs. But I seriously don't see any skill required to play maple, hmmm....mebbe...time management? He managed to play 25hours within a 24 hour time frame? If so, I'll give it to him, if not, he's better off chowing at a horse's penis.

Also, there're idiots, who I duno why, try to prove some points to other idiots playing together with them. Citing a very good example, the jc vs poly flaming. WTH, the jc guy's calling the poly guy idiot, dudes, this ain't a war between jc and poly, the two of you losers are on the same side, both of you are f'ugly MAPLERS for god's sake, why don't you two go outside and play hide and go fuck yourselves?

Lastly, sadly, which most of my frens can be categorised in, are those lamers who play to prove something. Jiaming plays so that he can hack and he gets a kick out of it. Tui phin plays cos Junhong plays and so that his sis can't use the comp while he's hogging it. Junhong plays cos umm...I duno, hmm, will ask him later. ( http://www.dessyway.blogspot.com ) to see how loser junhong is when it comes to maple.

Disastrous consequences
When you play maple, there is no point in playing unless you keep levelling up. And in maple, the only price to play for levelling is time, and that is what students in Singapore do not have, therefore, they trade in their studying time, for mapling time.

P.S. I'm different, I INVEST my time in WORTHWHILE games, games that I get orgasms from. The only thing I ever got from maple's spasms.

Let's cite some examples of pple getting adversely affected by maple.

JIaMing:
Period of addiction: During 'A' levels
REason for addiction: excuse for not studying
Results: CDO ? 2nd attempt btw

Tuiphin
Period of addiction: Since start of Maple till now
Reason for addiction: No money to even buy pirated games.
Results: He's the same age as me, and he'll still be studying when I ord.

Junhong
Period of addiction: As long as tuiphin, mebbe one day later
Reason for addiction: Unknown
REsults: Hasn't broken the 170cm barrier ever since he got hooked.

Therefore
Children, open your eyes, there's a beautiful world out there! Save Ugly Anderson's photo from the previous 2 posts and mail it to Asia Soft, we MUST stop this evil from spreading!

Alternatively, you can email or sms Oswald and jio him to play Maple!'

All in all, Maple is an extremely time-consuming game which induces violent intentions, yielding negative influences in the players' minds. Those who get hooked to it will be better off smoking and whoring as those activities burn off calories at least. Maple will only make you fat, ugly, retarded, crippled, stuck to you chair, and you'll never, ever, ever get laid, not in this life time, not in the next few to come. So pls, while there's time, salvage yourself, purge the evil, remove that piece of crap from you computer.

Hi.

The Nine Divines

2006-05-13T17:00:00.000+08:00

Holy title, but I'm sorry, it's gonna be a shitload of content subject to eternal damnation.

What can be worse than seeing Oswald naked here? What can be worse than watching 'Never Say Die' on channel 8? Vote for Tay Yong Meng btw, Jiaming's bro, N6 I think. What can be worse than being on Poseidon? And what can be worse than being trapped in a room with Anderson for 50days?

Alright alright now, here take this tissue, wipe your tears and read on.

What can be so horrid....so vile......so.....so......evil....in nature...that it deserves an entry solely dedicated to it?? YES! You got that right! It's the evil that is MAPLE.(And also worth mentioning, Mediacorp's totally untalented, retarded and deserve-to-collapse-from-heart-failure-and-then-get-CPR-from-Anderson scriptwriters)

More on this mushroom chopping psychotic 'game' when I get back from camp next wkend, meanwhile, uninstall that unholy game from your kid's comp, or from YOUR comp if you're obsessed with it you sick piece of poop.

Hi, for now.

Bear Hunting Season

2006-05-12T22:25:00.000+08:00

Today, we shoot bears, why. Cause it deserves it.

Let me tell you a story, a heart breaking, tears inducing, legs wobblifying(no such word fyi) love story, between a bear, a homosexual and a damsel.

Once upon a time, in the faraway lands of Tam Pines. There was a school, not just a normal school, the 'students' it trains, are not normal students. They're trained in all forms of reconnaissance, each and every individual has a different specialty, and Mr. Cai li here, has one of the strongest moves in school.

Having claws that can rip anything to shreads, jaws so strong it can bite anything to two and fur so thick it shields him from any physical damage, he was......a bear.

Bears are considered the strongest beings on Earth, and therefore, he got into the best class by default. It's both a good and bad thing, cos being the best demands the best, and he's not the best, cos he's just a cub at heart, not yet a bear.

But he worked hard, and managed to secure a spot in the second place, he aimed to be the first, but hard as he might try, he can't beat this guy
.

His name is Robi, and he's a lord from a distant land. People call him Gaylord for short, cos he is gay.

Ok, both hero and villain's been introduced, damsel leh? Wait ah, i go extract her out of her class photo using paint.

Ahh, there she is, k, now for the evil plot and setting...
One day, she walks along the corridor and Caili saw her, it was love at first sight, yadda yadda yadda.... Bad guy gaylord abducted her and Caili wants to save her. And so he enlists the help of 2 of his friends, who happened to be among the strongest heroes to ever exist.

The legendary Oswald, and Ugly Anderson. Without any delay, the trio embarks on the journey across the perilious staircases and through the dangerous canteen, to the classroom, where they will face the darkess, gayest, most terrifying gaylord they'll ever face in their entire lifetimes.

Upon entering the gaylord's lair, Umpteen armed men rappalled down from the ceiling and pointed their muzzles at Anderson.

Oswald screamed.

Anderson shrieked, "Omg, caili!! Are they gaylord's minions???!?!?"

Caili scratched his head.

"Wrong, dumbfuck, the principal has alerted the police of ur presence and we're here to arrest you."

"But why?!?! What have I done wrong?" With that, Anderson took off his mask and the police standing in front of him fell to the ground instantly, white foam spewing from his mouth.

"Omg! You killed Frankie! You bastard! That's it! You're coming with us!" The armed men put a paper bag over Anderson's head, then a plastic bag, then a rubber bag, then a helmet, then a school bag, then wrapped his head in a curtain, splashed a tin of nippon paint over, and lastly, welding the now-big-as-an-elephant-head in die-cast metal.

"I'm sorry boy, this is for the world's safety, we cannot let anyone else see your hideous face."

"Omg Oswald! Remove your hand from that poor man's crotch!"

"Oops."

"Get the science teacher, tell him we've got a case study for tomorrow's human anatomy lesson." Caili shouted to the students gathering around, pointing at the dead police's corpse.

Suddenly, the sky darkens.....and a shadow looms over the crowd......the ultimate evil has arrived...

"Mwahaha, give it up bear, I'm gonna steam ur paw with lotus roots and feed it to my dog!"

"Shuddup! You don't have a dog!"

"Yes I have"

"No you don't"

"Yes I have"

"No you don't"

"No I don't"

"Yes you have"

"Ha! Gotcha!"

Caili tugs at his hair....

"Oh no!! I'm down to 90hit points! Oswald! Do it while he's got his guard down, quick! Use the straight-guys-hate-gays-gun! Kill him in one shot" *strikes a 007 pose* "Hah! I'm gonna save you girl, don't worry."

The girl screamed and took cover behind gaylord....

2mins later....

"Umm Oswald...where's the straight-guys-hate-gays-gun? Why isn't the gaylord down yet?!?! huh? Oswald? Oswald!!!"

All of a sudden, screams can be heard from the kindergarten opposite, and there's Oswald, chasing after the little girls......one hand on his crotch, humming 'You Are Not Alone'.

Caili smacked his forehead in dismay.

"It's ok, I can take you down myself!"

"No you can't"

"Yes I can"

"No you can't"

"Yes I can"

"Yes you can"

"No I can't"

"Ha! Got you again! Noob!"

Caili tugged at his hair again...

"Oh no, one more time, and I'm outta fur, and I'll freeze to death!"

"I have no choice, but to use my ultimate weapon...."

Caili's fur hardened, teeth sharpened, and snapped in a soft growl..
"Grr....i'm...hungry...."
And so he was, and he gobbled Gaylord up.

And they lived happily ever after. <3

~~*--*~~*--*~~*--*~~The End~~*--*~~*--*~~*--*~~*--*~~

p.s. Thanks for staying with me throughout the story, sorry for the fucked up ending, but it was sweet, wasn't it? And umm...the above story was totally fabricated and none of it is true, cept for the Oswald being paedophile part and the Anderson scaring pple to death part. I hope I have not offended anyone other than Oswald, Caili and Anderson in this entry, if so, I'll mosaic whoever feels their social status is being threatened.

Hi.

Root of all Evil

2006-05-12T12:11:00.000+08:00

No, it is not money, money will not cause you to fail exams, money will not let you get scolded by your mum. Money will not turn you into a racist.

So what is the root of all evil? What do you think? I've got a few things, that has caused me...much...trouble...

1: Counterstrike
2:Heroes 3
3: Shining Force 3

And the ultimate evil: Neverwinter Nights

Huh? All games? Well I'm a geek, what the hell do you expect.

Getting old down here, the 4L guys have been in touch for the umm....*counts with fingers* 6th year, I hate you Oswald.

We knew each other when we were sec3 and what do we do most together? Play cs and bball. And you'll think that 6 years later, we'd have grown up and matured. Mature your si lang tau, it's worse now, now we only play DOTA, we don't even play bball, *lifts up shirts and pinches the side of the tummy, sending off a ripple of fats, all the way to the southern cross*

And the ACNE, omg!! It's contagious I tell you!! Ugly has spread his disease to FTP and CAili and partially to Jiaming, it's slow, but deadly, in time, we'll all be acne-infested and spend our years rotting in prison after being found guilty of sight-harrasment in broad daylight.

Another 6 years down the road, what'll we be doing? Hmm....26year olds....clubbing? Beer? Poker? Cars? Hell no! I bet you, $400, it'll be Dota v63.42(current Ver is 6.32b), Caili mother's sugarless red bean bubur hitam and ACNE on the rest of our faces. Now u know why Singaporean guys are generally ugly. Pls sign my petition to put Ugly Anderson on death parole.

Therefore, in conclusion, the root of all evil: Oswald. Die, bitch.

Oswald

2006-05-05T16:35:00.000+08:00

Hi, today, I'd like to introduce a friend. Meet Oswald, he's been my classmate for 2 dreadful years, and a friend for umm...*counts with fingers* the 6th year. It's a very short time considering the number of times he's fucked me up.

Oswald's an umm..interesting person, let's see, i'll touch on the various aspects of his life as I move on, but first, i'll give u a general impression of wad kinda person he's like.

I classify human beings into 3 categories, that is, human beings in a group of friends. No.1 pple are those with character, they're the 'leaders', they've a temper, they've got charisma, they've got humour, they make the decisions, or they break em. They're a must have in non-blonde-bimbo groups.(Of course, they don't neccessarily have all the abovementioned qualities, but they'll have one of em at least, they're the most noticeable in amongst the group.

No.2 pple are like the sidekicks, they're easygoing, generally good-tempered. They can be loud but nonsensical, soft but humourous, but never both. They're ur average pple. Being no.1 or no.2 doesn't reflect ur iq or whatsoever, it's merely a general classification of personalities. Most groups of friends consists of no.1 and no.2 pple.

And dear Oswald, he happens to fall into the no.3 category. It's the category that's not worth mentioning at all, as learning about it and remembering the pple who belong to it will only bring a frown to your face.

No.3 pple are pple with no self-esteem, they have absolutely no contribution to anyone, anything. They have tons of bad habits, which are further honed by many other shortcomings.
And sadly, they usually have exceptional talents which are buried deep within their tainted souls.

No.3 pple are those who will call u up and tell u he's organised a gathering, he'll tell u the time and place, and the pple who're going. And if u duno him well enough, u'll go there, and see total strangers there.

What the hell happened? Is he out to fuck u up? No, his intentions are good, trust me, here's what happened. He called u up, and he wants u to go, so he tells u that everyone's going, and everything prepared. So u agreed, then he thought to himself, he's gonna call up the rest and sae the same thing, then he'll book the bbq pit and it'll be a wonderful day, but first, he'll take a short nap.

U should be able to guess the rest of the story.

It doesn't feel right putting Oswald in the no.3 category, cos he's far worse than that, but hell, I'll save the trouble. Let's analyse Oswald. Bit by bit.

School:
He's a total misfit in school. Girls shunned him, teachers hate him, even his pe shirt stinks on him. Let's quote some incidents.

There was once, we were supposed to have a chinese lit test, and Oswald talked on phone with Junhong the nite before and they decided to cheat. The textbook was small and can be easily tucked underneath the table. So both copied the answers from below the table, but it's a risky act, cos ur head's gonna be tilted at a different angle from others, so you'll have to be extra vigilant when you're doing it. Junhong's a smart boy, he noticed Wang Wen Xian standing up and walking towards em, so he kept his book and kept signalling Oswald to do the same.

Oswald saw her coming, but he told junhong to wait a while more, he wanna copy somemore......it's a classroom ffs, it takes but 4 steps to reach ur table from the teacher's desk dude. So Oswald kept on copying....and Wang Wen Xian was standing behind him....watching....then he turned and met her eyes. Guess what he said...

"Wo3 mei2 you3 chao1"

Woot! *stamps loser chop of Oswald's forehead*

We had a umm...monster in our class, shan't sae her name, but she's Junhong's best friend. She looks atrocious I must say. But we're civilised pple, and we do not judge a book by its cover. So pple normally try to be nice, or they simply avoid her. Saints treat her as a normal human being. I'm the type who keeps a safety distance of 7m at all times. Tuiphin doesn't have to react to her cos even she doesn't want to talk to him. Salvin flirts with her. Anderson's the same as her. Juehai's in mosque and won't see her. So that leaves Oswald, how does he face her? He covers his face with both hands and scream. Wth. Can u get anymore insensitive?

Caili looks like a bear, and there was a period of time, oswald would juz hug caili from behind and pat on his stomach and sae that caili is very cute, and he want to bring him home to rear as a pet. It's ok to do that, but it's not ok to do it consecutively for a week.

Even though Oswald's been deemed gay by us, he's still determined to prove that he's straight by expressing to us his interest in girls. He used to have this crush on umm...Weiqin? Ya. And he likes to sae that even if weiqin strips in the bus stop opposite, (insert positive or negative act depending on fatigue level). Yes, that's how shameless he was.

And in tpjc, everytime he has a crush on this girl, Jiaming, being the good fren he is will go flirt with her. And how will Oswald react? He'll sae "tsk", touch his hair, and pat Caili's tummy and say he very cute. Then he'll like another girl. Jiaming has been a busy boy.

Oh ya, after 'O' lvls, he got everyone to go poly with him, then he decided to transfer to tpjc, ugly and jiaming followed, poor tuiphin and junhong got left behind. So he's in tpjc, and then he heard that tp girls vv pretty, so he transferred to tp in his first year. Then he realised that the girls there are not so pretty after all, so he transferred back to tpjc, thus needing to repeat another year. Sigh...

Punctuality

One of his plus points, he's normally only late by half an hour(one of the earliest). There was once though, he was late for school, and he went to the void deck opposite and slept till school ended -.-

Family

Totally dysfunctional, who the hell are the osbournes? Meet the Oswalds. His parents are pious christians, and his brothers a thief. And he's the victim. His mum once told him not to mix with us cos we're bad pple cos we're not christians. He cried cos his sister stole his chocolate. And his dad hates him, you can tell from his pocket money. No, it's not discipline, it's not control, $4 a week is abuse.

Friends

Ahh, he's one lucky boy, he's got good friends. Tuiphin verbally abuses him every chance he's got, Jiaming flirts with all the girls he like, I defame him with blog entries like this. And Junhong makes him cry by promising they'll not study and fail the test together but Oswald fails as promised while junhong gets A. Salvin's nice to him cos he's gay. CAili's the nicest bah..he lets Oswald pat his tummy...but he got bite back Oswald de...hmm....

Good Points

... ... ... ... ... ... .... ... ... ... ... ... ... .....(can't see the words? Umm...try encoding? huh? still no? well mebbe it's cos I only put dots cos there's nothing to sae in this section)

Looks

Remember the guy who sang careless whisper super softly in Singapore Idol, there's a 92% resemblance between Oswald and him and 100% similarities in volume of voice. You can't hear OSwald speak, he's soft spoken, but u sure can hear him scream when you're watching movies. Yes that was us sitting in front of you when you were watching reincarnation, no we did not have a girl with us, it was indeed Oswald who was screaming.

Umm, this photo has been edited using paint by Jiaming and Ugly, the two of them did not take this photo together. Note the resemblence between oswald(left) and careless whisper(right)

Good points, seriously

......my cursor's been stuck here for 30secs and I still can't think of any. Screw you Oswald.
Okok, he's got piano grade 8 and he makes jm's pick-from-rubbish-bin electronic keyboard sounds like a real $4k piano

Ok, that's all I'll have u bear about Oswald, anymore bout him and you'll go to frenster, find his account, and spam him, no wait, frenster didn't let him create an account, it read: "Fuck off, loser, you've got no friends, so don't waste our bandwidth"

Yeah, wondering why I'm doing this to my fren? Well, cos I'm bored? Huh? Whether it'll affect our frenship? WEll mebbe, he mite get angry after read this post...then he'll go "tsk..hmm" *touches hair* mumbles mumbles...then i'll go "HUH?" Then he'll laugh and say "nothing...nothing.."

HAha, btw, evry fact I provided, is true, mebbe not to the minute details, but still, true. And if ever, u have a chance to acquaint him, pls, spit at him, do it fer me, fer us, fer the world, say no to terrorism, to world peace!

Hi.

Sensitive(?) Issues

2006-03-06T13:03:00.000+08:00

One thing I can never stop thinking about, the racist blogs. I simply don't understand how it created such a big hoo-hah.

I mean, what's wrong? Hmm before you get me wrong, let's take a look at the word racism. My definition of it is the discrimination of a certain race/races. It's similar to elitism, where u discriminate those who're not as elite as you. Hmm, I can't think of anymore 'ism's cos my dictionary ain't here with me, anyways, it's similar to the tall discriminating the short, the strong discriminating the weak.

Discrimination is an individual thing, it's what you perceive of that thing you discriminate against which cause you to discriminate against it. Normally, people discriminate against things they think or feel is inferior to them, eg: short to the tall, obese to the healthy, disabled to the abled. You don't see the deaf 'discriminating' against pple who can hear do you.

There's something wrong bout the point I juz made. You see, short is NOT inferior to being tall, obesity is not inferior to the healthy. It's just that the tall people feel that the short people are inferior to them. The two cannot be compared, they're DIFFERENT, there's no better or worse. Tall people get to see downblouses, whereas shorties get to see upskirts. It's different. They've got different plus points n different minus points. Discrimination occurs when one takes his own plus points and compare it with another's negative points.

Discrimination is going on everywhere in the world, so why are we only concerned about racial discrimination? Why issit that everyone gets pissed off when a white scolds a black? Why so pissed off when a chinese says something bad about a malay.

Seriously, most of us are educated, we know how to differentiate right from wrong, we know how to differentiate offensive remarks that're meant to humour, and those that're meant to offend. I'm chinese, and if I see someone saying on his blog that chinese are dumb fucks, they're good for nothing, they're a waste of country resources, and buddhism is stupid.

How will I feel if I see someone post that on his blog? My first reaction will be "wtf???". Then I'll post the link to everyone on my msn list and we'll laugh at this retard together. I know that all those accusations are false, I know that they won't hurt me and all that guy has done is make a fool outta himself. But when a white posts his 21inch dick on his blog and say that asians have puny dicks, I've got nothing to say about that. He's right, he can joke about it all day long, he can be so proud that he's overwhelming treasure owns ours. But I also do know that when he switches his computer on to play warcraft, we'll pawn his ass all the way to neverland where he can fondle with peterpan all day, all night.

So the racist blogs, one of em's 2ndholocaust i tink, they made fun of the muslim religion and some of the practices they have. Why take offense?(unless it's true? ^^). If you KNOW that going to mecca blablabla serves a great purpose and he's the only one who doesn't think that way. You should be educating him, and not kicking up a huge fuss. Now he's behind bars, but he still thinks he's right, cos to him, he's hit your si3 xue4, nailed you, picked you up, piledriver, picked you up again, F-5, and finished off with an ankle-lock.

We should educate these fools, not punish them, what's the point? Dude, look here, racists are not born, they're made. One of the two, if I don't remember wrongly, lost his brother cause a malay couple snatched his cab and refused to let em have it despite their pleading, his brother died as a result. Yeah yeah, it's the individual he should be against, but dude, if you're telling me that, that means if a mosquito bites you, that's the only mosquito you should be swatting?

Punishing them is only a temporary solution, discrimination is ongoing, so you gotta educate them, not that racism is but, but that their perception of the target race is wrong. He hates malays? Don't lock him in Changi prison, lock him in the mosque beside tampines stadium, make sure you tie his tongue so he doesn't bite it, cos I sure will if it's me. It's just barbaric to jail them. It's wrong, it's wrong, bah, lost my train of thought...

Got it back, if you're punishing chinese bloggers who discriminate against malays, why aren't you punishing those cursed dwarves who're cursing us 6-footers, so children, don't get over-sensitive, watch southpark, the host of the 78th oscars made some crude jokes bout the jews, but I don't see them sending the F16s over, so chill dude.

Hi.

Introduction

2006-03-05T19:00:00.000+08:00

Hi, I'm not a hateful person, but there're just things on Earth that simply pisses you so much, you curse and swear at it with every bit of hate within you.

Pleasant things like buying Sushi can end up causing you to hate middle-aged woman to death because the cashier was freaking rude and unreasonable. Air-Con bus rides can turn into shithole rides thanks to the fat malay woman in front of you.

Things never go the way you want it, and it's never your fault, well, that's what you think. It's your fault you have such bad luck, it's your fault you chose to take the same bus as that fat woman, why not take the next one? Or why not spend less time doing up your hair so you can take the bus before? It's your fault you run into the rude cashier, it's cause you're a cheapskate and chose edo-sushi over genki sushi(pretty overwhelming frendliness there I must say).

Therefore, each time before you declare something you dislike, pick on yourself first, only then will you have the right to pick on others.

Hi.