30: Chapter 11: The Return of the Pimp, or Wimp, hmm, let's stick to King

Huo was surprised to see that the Tarnianians survived the onslaught when his party returned from the gathering of wood and fruits.

“How did…”

“No time for that now Huo, you have any medics among your troops? I have a casualty here.”

“Medic?”

“Yes, you know…the guy you go to when you’re sick…and he touches you here and there, and then he gives you some rat poison and you get well after that.” Jun rolled his eyes.

“Oh! We call them physicians.”

“You can call them prostitutes, or wanzhens, if you want to, just get me one.”

Huo nodded and doubled back to his encampment. Jun shook his head as the thin figure disappeared from his sight, he started to wonder if letting them tag along had been the right choice at all. Minutes later Huo came back with another scrawny old man of the same build, except that the newcomer had a white beard which stretches all the way down to his knees, three deep strokes of wrinkles ran across his forehead and one could only feel that much wisdom is stored in those immensely deep cracks.

“M’lord, my name is Hua Tuo, umm….where is the casualty?” The old man broke the awkward silence. Jun jumped a little, he shuddered at the thought that he had been staring at another man’s forehead in amazement. Hardly an appropriate way for a king to behave

Jun led the man and Huo to one of the Tarnianian tents and beckoned Hua to enter, while he and Huo stood waiting outside.

The tent was pretty much empty inside, except for Joo lying down in the middle and a basin filled with murky liquid beside him. Hua knelt down beside Joo, “And what problem might we be having here, young man?”

“Ugh…can’t you tell?” groaned a disgruntled Joo, “I’m sick for Ming’s sake!”

Hua said nothing but took Joo’s left hand and took his pulse. “Well, I see nothing wrong with you!”

Joo frowned, “Well, I’m really sick! Look at that basin over there, I vommi---”

“You washed your feet in that?” Hua interrupted.

Joo shifted uneasily, “Ho…how did you know?”

“Well…” Hua stated with an as-a-matter-of-fact tone, “First, your feet are clean, and there’re dead foot-bugs floating on the surface.” He looked delighted in his little triumph over a Luelin, and then he decided to inflict some real pain on him, both as a reward and as a punishment.

“Well, on a second thought, your illness is grave indeed…”

“Really? You can tell? How grave is it? How many days of medical leave will I get?” Joo’s eyes beamed with a gleam of hope, images of him reaching the gates of Tarniania, reaching the gate to his house, reaching his dining table laid with roasted chicken and steamed fish flashed in his mind.

“Well.” Joo thought he heard Hua chuckle as he began to speak, “Maybe…none! For you will need bone scraping! Yes, bone scraping, just like the legendary General Guan.”

Huo’s eyes seemed to flash an evil red as a near petrified Joo recalled the legend in which the Great General Guan had poison scrapped off his bone while playing chess, without any anesthetics!

“Umm…I think you got it wrong, doc, actually, I feel alright now…” Joo tried to get up but pressed himself back against the ground as Hua turned to face him holding the largest saw Joo had ever seen.

“Wait!” Joo muttered as Hua advanced onto him, “Umm…actually it’s my hair that’s hurting, you wanna work on the hair instead?”

“Uh-uh, doesn’t work that way my boy, we have to do it to the bone, now, if you’ll stay still…” Hua drew an ‘X’ on Joo’s left arm.

“W…wa…wait! You wanna umm…re-diagnose? You never know…” Joo tried his best to force a friendly smile; he would have swung a punch had he not known better than to trifle with a deranged physician holding a saw.

“Nope, trust the physician, which is...me,don't worry, it won’t hurt at all...well..maybe just a teeny weeny bit.” Hua had a sick smile plastered on his face as Joo felt cold steel against his skin.

“WAIT!” Joo screamed, Hua paused and raised an eyebrow, “Any last words? I mean…is there a problem?”

“Yes! Umm, you mind reaching into my pocket? Yeah; something inside is making me twitch won’t do good to have me twitching while you’re stitching eh?”

“Well, I never meant to stitch anyway, but oh well, let’s see what’s inside…hmm...yeah…oh…it’s…hard…you naughty little boy, how’d you know I like it hard?”

“Well, I umm..guessed?”

Hua placed the saw onto the floor and the other hand which reached into Joo’s pocket grabbed the hard object tight, “Yes, I like the feeling of this, ah...it's long...hmm, if only there's a bed on the otherside, hmm..can this be considered one? Hmm, I guess it'll make do...”

“Indeed.” Nodded Joo, relieved, “it doesn’t stay hard for long though, gets soft during the colder days.”

“Well, can I have a look at it then?”

“Sure, be careful though, it’s…delicate…”

“Aye, I will, I will!” Hua agreed hurriedly as he pulled a trembling hand out of Joo’s pocket. As he released his grasp it revealed a gold coin the size of a nutmeg, with the picture of a long seahorse carved on one side and a bed on the other. Hua held it up close to his eyes and examined it with rediscovered youth and energy. “Well, it looks like your illness does need another diagnosis….A ‘male seahorse brand bed’ coin, oh my, look how exquisite and fluffy the bed looks…”

“Well, you know what to say to the King when you go out there.” Joo winked, as he leaned back onto his mattress, faking a groan.

Hua slid the coin into his shirt pocket and left the tent.

An anxious Jun ran up to Hua as he emerged from the tent and grabbed him by the shoulders, “How is he? Is it serious?”

Hua had a grave look on his face, the wrinkles seemed deeper than before, “It is pepsicolacocacolasasisprillakicapoorootbeerorangetomatojuice, my King, and it is CONTAGIOUS.”

Jun’s eye widened at the last word and pulled Hua a few steps away from the tent, then whispered, “Prescription?”

Hua shook his head, “I’m afraid there’s nothing I can do, M’lord, only way he can survive is by sending him back to Tarniania where more able medical aid can be rendered to him.”

Jun placed his hands on Hua’s shoulders, “No, I can’t risk letting him spread that dreaded disease to the rest of the Tarnianians, I say we put him to sleep, doc.”

Hua felt for the precious gold coin in his shirt pocket with his left hand, “Well, m’lord, I’m sorry I hadn’t made myself clear, the disease is only contagious for two days, after which the victim will have a high fever running for two weeks.” Hua tried to look grim.

“How queer, but I guess we have no choice…” Jun sighed and shouted into the tent, “Joo of the Luelin house, you’ve been a brave warrior and servant of Tarniania, but you are in no condition to continue the fight, I thus order you to return to Tarniania and pass our stories down should we not be able to return to tell them.”

“But, m’lord, I want to stay and fight! I can’t just leave like that!” Joo had never found happiness so hard to hide as he scrambled around in the tent packing his stuff.

“No, I insi---” Jun raised an eyebrow as Joo came out of the tent with all his gear packed and ready to set off. “Now that was fast.”

And Joo set off without any delay, the farewell was brief, very brief, almost too brief to be considered a farewell. But Joo was eager to leave, and the Tarnianians weren’t exactly keen to spend anymore time with a victim of some weird disease.

30 - Chapter 10: Rise of The Gaylord

Battle horns sounded before daybreak, Jun scrambled out of his tent and rushed to the asshole. He peered through to the other side, he could not believe what he saw, twice the amount of troops they saw on the shore the day before were marching towards the asshole, and would reach it by noon. Jun rubbed his eyes and looked towards the Indigo Sea; faint silhouettes of ships in the distant shores were visible. The storm only destroyed half of the Frankian reinforcements, the other half had arrived in the night. Jun scurried over to Li’s tent, picked a huge rock up and flung it onto the tent.

Nothing.

“Wake up, Chancellor.”

Still nothing.

“Hey look! Fresh salmon!”

A head shot out of the tent, “Where?”

“There.” Jun pointed to the asshole.

Licking his lips, Li got up to his feet and dashed to the asshole. He let out a soft whimper when he saw what he saw, then turned back and returned to Jun on fours.

“Wake the troops, we’re at war.”

“Jun, any battle plans? My men are ready” Huo came up to Jun as the Tarnianians took their positions behind the barricades.

“Well, can we have salmon for dinner tonight? And that Hulk guy looks like he can chop trees easily, and fruits, yes, you have that tall guy, he can gather fruits…I’m getting hungry already.”

“You mock us! Jun” Huo knocked the ground with the base of his rake, “You want the salmon pan-fried? Or deep-fried.”

“Raw for Chancellor Li, pan-fried for the rest.” With that, Jun dismissed Huo and his troops, who he had always deemed would hinder his plans.

“Tarnianians, fall in! Hold the asshole!"

The Tarnianians fell in into a compact unit, with shields high up and spears pointing to the front, and they waited.

The approaching of the Frankians could be faintly heard where the Tarnianians stood, sweat trickled down the foreheads into their eyes – an extremely irritating occurrence, and the Tarnianians stood, twitching and wincing their faces, trying hard not to move much as they looked cool in that formation. The rumbling got louder and louder, small stones rolled down the scaly walls and the ground shook, soon, the first of the Frankian soldiers came into sight as they charged in from the other side of the asshole. As the first Frankian emerged on their side of the asshole, spears pierced through his body, and the next, and the next, but they kept coming.

“Push!” screamed Jun.

And the Tarnianians pushed, they tried pushing, but they realized that they would eventually be overrun, “fall back, fall back!” Jun screamed as the Frankians pounded on the Tarnianians shields, threatening to break them the very next instant. The Tarnianians ran back fast, and never looked back. Only one remained on the battlefield. And the Frankian troops surrounded him. The fleeing Tarnianians stopped in their tracks when they realized they were not being pursued.

“Robi! Shuunpo out! Quick!” Li shouted.

“Fool! Li, that’s devilry, only death gods know how to Shuunpo! All we can do now is pray that the valiant Robi dies an inviolated death.” Jun shook his head.

The Frankians slowly gathered around Robi and crept towards him slowly, like a viper closing in on his pray, like a pig trotting towards the corn in the mud. Still, Robi stood unfazed by the danger before him. There was no hope for him, none could save him save divine intervention. Then, the unexpected happened; the Frankian troops tossed their weapons onto the ground, and knelt down in front of Robi.

“Hail to the great Gaylord Robi, we are under your command.” The Frankians chant in unison.

Robi folded his arms and grinned, “Well, my loyal ones, for now, smooch and be merry. And once we’re merry, we must not tarry, and gather some berry, so that we won’t look so scary, then we’ll hurry, back to Frankie, and make him sticky!”

“All hail Gaylord Robi! All Hail Gaylord Robi! All Hail Gaylord Robi!” The Frankians cheered with joy and starting making out on the spot. Robi turned and winked at the frightened Tarnianians, who wondered what scary thoughts Robi had when he swallowed the magic bean.

After the intense lovemaking by the Frankians and torment for the watching Tarnianians, the Frankians began their march back to the Frankian camps, naked. Robi had ordered them to make Frankie sticky by the simplest means possible (and yellowish/whitish if possible) and to kill themselves after that.

The Tarnianians cheered as the final buttcrack went out of sight, the first battle had been won by them.

30 - Chapter 9: Dragon's Butt

The troops gazed in amazement as Dragon’s Butt came into view, Phin jumped when he saw it, for he thought it was the behind of a real dragon, for before him stood a huge scaly wall with a curved top and a small hole at the center of its bottom just wide enough for a small wagon to pass through.

“The asshole…that is where out enemy shall pour out from, Huo, have your men set up the defenses needed near the asshole. There is something I’d like to give to our enemy before the battle. A little meeting gift…”

Huo passed his orders down and within moments barricades and tents were propped up while Jun led his men through the asshole. On the other side of the wall, Jun and his men finally realized the terror they were about to face, to the east, Frankian troops were scattered all over the land as far as the naked eye could see. And from the Indigo Sea to the west even more troops were arriving.

“M’lord! There might be thousands or even tens of thousands camped on the shores, and look at the Indigo Sea, it is covered with Frankian ships! I believe the bulk of his troops aren’t even here yet! When they amass, they might be millions, what are we to do?”

Jun had a stern look on his face, “Come, brave Tarnianians, rally about me!” Jun pointed at the sea, “Look! The Gods favour us.”

The men cheered at the sight, a storm gathered above the arriving ships and the waves crushed many of the ship, the leading ship suffered the greatest wrath, it was thrown towards a huge rock a few miles ahead of Jun and his army. Splinters flew in all direction but the men held their shields and were not troubled. The crash was over and shields lowered, Jun and his men laughed merrily, for a great part of Frankie’s great army laid waste in the Indigo Sea.

“Survivors!” Li diverted everyone’s sights to a flotsam, there were two survivors, one was lying on the flotsam, and the other was clinging on to the edge of the plank.

“Fools!” Li muttered, “The plank will not hold both their weight!”

The men couldn’t possibly have heard him amidst the chaos and storm, but it seemed as if they did, for the man who was clinging on the plate gave the one leaning on it a kiss on the cheek, “Jack! No! I can’t lose you!” the one on the plank screamed as the other released his grip and sank deep into the Sea. Whether Jack drowned to his death, or was rescued by the little mermaid, you will have to google for yourself, but one thing Jun could tell; the two men were in love.

At this realization, Jun cast his gaze across the rest of the sinking ships, men were locked in their lips saying their last goodbyes, butts were groped and crotches caressed. The Frankian troops are homosexual. Jun turned to Robi with a worried look, “Pass the word for the troops to have their groin guards on at all times. And…” Jun took a step back away from Robi, “Why are you smiling?”

Robi covered his mouth with his hands and shook his head, “Nothing, M’lord, I’ll pass the word now.”

Jun sighed and told himself it will all be fine, “Gentlemen, let us go back through the asshole, rest well tonight, tomorrow, the battle begins!”

It was a restless night for Jun, as he dreamt of answers which he did not know the questions of. He dreamt of Frankie wrapping his arms around Jun’s body from behind. He dreamt of Oswald playing five stones with Shi. He dreamt of Joo cursing Jun’s family in his sleep. And lastly, he dreamt of a soldier, clad in Tarnianian robe, body wickedly deformed, somehow, he had a bad feeling about the final dream.

30 - Chapter 8: Allies

It was a two-day journey to Dragon’s Butt on foot, possibly three, if the scorching Sun kept at it. The burning sand seared the feet, but the thirty trudged on without rest till nightfall. It was a moonless night; the soldiers ate in silent and slept. Before dawn the thirty were on their feet, and they pushed on, across the sandy plains which separate Dragon’s Butt from Tarniania.

“M’lord! To your west, a small army approaches.” Li pointed out to Jun.

“Halt the troops.” Replied Jun as he stood facing the approaching army.

Clad in white robes and armed with farm rakes, the army was made up of roughly a hundred men of flabby arms and balding scalps.

“The graveyard’s to the South, if you’re on your way to stick a foot in.” Jun, with a half smirk, told the leader, who was practically bald and had a long white beard.

The leader looked up at Jun who stood two heads taller, and stroked his beard, “Hmm…have pity on an old man…how do you expect me to speak to you with my head raised so high? Ooooh…my poor spine…”

Jun sigh and got down on one knee, “Alright, old man, what do you want?”

The leader drove the foot of his rake into the ground and leaned on it, “Ooooh…age is catching up on me, and I tire easily….”

Jun could not believe what was happening to him, he sighed again and patted his outstretched thigh, “Here, you can sit on my thigh…”

The leader grinned with delight, and hopped onto Jun’s thigh, “Well, we’re here to help with the driving off of the Frankian forces!!” The leader swung his fists in the air as he said it, no signs of weariness or age at all, and Jun wondered why he wasn’t already licking the old man's blood off his sword.

And as Jun gazed at the animated leader demonstrating the mantis skill which he would unleash on Frankie when he lays his hands on him, he could not keep the image of him stabbing at the old man’s repeatedly at his chest out of his mind.

It was only when the leader stopped his antics when Jun snapped out of his daze. Eager to get over this delay and move on, Jun had to persuade them to return to where they came from.

“Well….”

“My name is Jia, Huo Yuan Jia.”

“Ok Huo Yuan Chia…if…”

“It’s …Huo Yuan Jia.”

Jun shrugged, “Whatever, well, if you wanna tag along, you gotta show me what you’ve got, how bout a small bout between your strongest warrior and my weakest?”

Huo Yuan Jia nodded, “ All my warriors are equally strong, you can choose anyone you wish to fight against your soldier.”

Jun smiled, and walked over to Phin, “Eh, this is your chance, I’ll pick the scrawniest old man, you beat the hell out of him, and I’ll feed Angelina something else, deal?”

Phin agreed with excitement, amazed at the ease he could be relinquished of his punishment, he grabbed his spear, took a deep breath to stick his chest out and strutted to the middle of the two groups. Jun came up behind him and looked at Huo’s soldiers, they were huddled together in a tight bunch; apart from the few standing in front, he could hardly see those standing behind, except their heads. Finally, he pointed to the one he with the thinnest neck and the goofiest smile, “You! Come out!”

The man smiled and made his way to the front, when the front men parted to make way for him, Jun almost swallowed his own fist when he saw biceps the size of his paunch , bulging chest muscles harder than onyx and abs he lost count of. “The name is Hulk, Incredible Hulk, wanna play?” Hulk teased as he rubbed his fist against his palm.

Phin turned around and gave Jun a desperate plea, “Please, M’lord, my mother sick at home, and I am the sole breadwinner…”

Jun laughed, “And what of the poor gate guard? Hmm, considering the fact he'll get his pay docked for the rest of the year, it does make sense, you will be the sole breadwinner. Worry not; I’ll get you out of this fix.”

Light came back to Phin’s face and he turned back to face Huo’s army.

“Hulk!” Jun shouted at Hulk, “I called you to the front because you were blocking the one behind you! You! The short guy, yes, you! Come out!”

The man whose head hovered slightly below the rest stood up and strode to the front and stood right in front of Phin with his crotch right in front of Phin’s face. Phin started to wonder if he had misplaced his trust in Jun's judgment while Jun tried to swallow both his fists. “You! Why are you sitting down in the middle of your band, manners! That is all, you may return.”

As the tall man returned to his band, Phin turned back and gave Jun an extremely friendly wink which sent shivers down his spine.

“Well, I guess none of you are good enough to challenge even my weakest warrior, it’s ok, I will show you mercy, leave now, it’s dangerous where we’re heading to.”

“Well, we brought pictures of our daughters…what a pity…” Huo sighed as he signaled his army to turn back.

“Wait! Wait! I just realized, maybe we need help after all! C’mon, c’mon, let’s go!” Jun tugged at Huo’s robe.

Soon, the combined army were on their way again, oblivious to the mysterious pair of eyes gazing over them from a nearby knoll. Friend or foe, only time will tell. Dragon Butt awaited the brave men as the Sun set, never to rise again…...…at least, for the rest of the night.

30 - Chapter 7: Magic Beans

Once he was sure that everyone had swallowed the magic beans, Jun smiled.

“Those were actually loyalty beans you swallowed, if ever you have a sway of allegiance, it’ll kill you.”

Joo smacked his hand against his own head, “Gah, fuck.”

“But!” Jun raised his hand, “That’s not all~”

Shi let out a whimper, what other terrors do these dreadful beans contain?!?!

“These magical beans will grant the one who consumed it a special power or ability.”

“Wh…what sor…” Shi tried to squeak a question, but was halted by Jun.

“What powers the beans grant, I do not know, but I was told the powers take shape according to the immediate thoughts the consumer had when swallowing the magic bean.”

Jun paused and observed his men for a moment, “Hmm, so Chancellor Li, what was on your mind when you consumed the bean?”

Chancellor Li’s face grew dark and grim, “Well...I swallowed my bean just after Phin swallowed his, and as it went down my throat, all I was thinking was that the moan Phin made after he swallowed the bean resembled that of a bear…”

Jun shrugged, “Well, let’s just hope it gives you the strength of one and not the hairy genes.” Everyone else thought it was funny, as Chancellor Li stood still with a blank look on his face.

Satisfied that his elite squadron was well equipped with weapons and new powers, Jun decided it was time to set of for Dragon’s Butt – the only entrance to Tarniania. And if there was any way to intercept the enemy, it would be at Dragon’s Butt.

Jun picked up his shield and walked over to Holy Knight Anderson, “Holy Knight, it’s almost dawn now, let us move off, and let us make haste.”

Anderson nodded and turned to face the squadron, “Alright, you heard the man, let’s go.”

The squadron marched off in files of three, with Holy Knight Anderson leading and King Jun right behind him.

They sang songs of war and of victory and their spirit was high, but little did they know their first obstacle awaited them at their very own town gate.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Holy Knight, why did you call for a halt?” Jun went up to Anderson demanding an explanation.

“My lord, something is amiss…hold, while I investigate.” Anderson drew his sledgehammer and crept towards the town gate.

What the…the enemy has already assimilated us?!?

Sweat trickled down Jun’s forehead, and he signaled for the squadron to stand at arms.

Anderson crept towards the town gate, he had to be careful, and he could not afford to make any noise as it might alarm the opposition. He looked back, the rest of the squadron stood where he left them – a good thirty yards behind, he relaxed a little, at least he didn’t have to worry about noise.

As he approached the gate, he found what he was looking for, a shadow leaned against the side of the closed gate, motionless.

A cunning one, well-hidden under the shadows of the gate frame, but no one escapes the sharp eyes of the holy knight

As soon as the shadow was within striking distance, Anderson tossed his shield at the shadow, the shield missed its target and landed on the floor but that was what Anderson intended; with a swift strike, Anderson swung his sledge hammer and struck his shield with a loud ‘CLANG’. The shadowy figure jumped with a start and started running away from the town gate screaming, “HELP!! HELP!! We’re under attack!!”

“Wow, I never knew you could run this fast, Yeong, brother of Phin.” Jun said as the figure ran in his direction.

Yeong stopped in his tracks, and when it finally hit him, and he got down onto his knees.

“Your Majesty! I..I…I… was awaiting your arrival….” Yeong stammered.

“Right…in dreamland eh? Now get your ass over and open the town gates before I soak you in barbeque sauce and grill you.”

Yeong scrambled onto his feet and dashed towards the town gate.

Jun, Anderson and their squadron of 30 elites stepped out of the town gate and started the journey towards Dragon’s Butt, where their fate lies unknown to them.

30 - Chapter 6: The Thirty Gathers

“Must you go?”

Jun turned around and faced Erika, eyes filled with tears.

“My Queen, I must go and fight, but I will win, and I will return, have no fear.” He brought his lips to Erika’s forehead and kissed her lightly.

“Trust me, I will be back.”

Erika took a step back and forced a smile, “We will wait for you my King…”

Jun could hold his tears no longer, and dashed out of the house.

The Sun never rose late in Tarniania, but it was late as the 30 elite soldiers handpicked by Holy Knight Anderson stood in rows of five in the Tarnianian parade square. Jun arrived and decided to inspect the squad briefly before moving off.

“I am sorry you are not given amply time, Holy Knight.”

“No worries my King, it was more than enough.” Replied Anderson as he bowed, left fist pressed over his right breastplate.

“We shall see.” Jun stepped up to the first Soldier.

The soldiers were clad in light padded armour and held Tarnianian spears and shields, Jun was impressed at the uniformity, as Anderson really did not have much time to prepare the soldiers. The first soldier stood just above six feet tall and looked broad and sturdy. Jun smiled, he had found his Hercules.

“Your name?”

“Joo of the Luelin House.”

“Lu…lue…luelin…..house….” Jun could barely find the
words.

“Aye, is something wrong? You aren’t what I had expected to see in a King you know…the height….oh well..” Joo sighed.

“As expected from a Luelin, tongue as toxic as the stench of rotten fish kept in a wine cellar for seventy years.” Jun was undecided whether he should move on as quickly as he can, if he moved over, he could end this irksome conversation, but he was also a little concerned what sort of weird being the next soldier would be.

“I’d take that as a compliment m’lord, now will you move on please, you are not blocking my view at all, don’t worry, but the smell of your hair really isn’t very pleasing to the nose.” Joo pinched his nose and waved Jun away.

Jun went on the second soldier. This man was of average build, and had this look in his eyes which made Jun want to Bow to him.

“Your name?”

“Robi, of the Herman house.” Came the reply.

Jun shuddered, Holy Knight sure knew how to pick the weirdest people.

“Ahh, a noble family member, it is my pleasure to have you on board.”

Robi smiled and said nothing.

Weird, why am I being all nice and friendly to this guy.

Jun shook his head and moved on to the next guy.

“Your name?”

“sniff….Sal….sniff….Salvin…”

“Umm, what’s wrong?”

Salvin squatted down and started crying.

“Hey hey…dude…you sure you are ready to umm…fight?” Jun asked in concerning tone, while casting a 'I’ll kill you' glance at Holy Knight Anderson.

Salvin wiped his tears and stood up, he stood just above six feet, around the same built as Joo, another Hercules, but a crying one, Jun thought, and moved on.

Jun completed the inspection soon after and had found familiar faces in the squad, Oswald the court jest, Phin the ex-court jest and would-be shield bearer and surprisingly, Shi the court chef.

“I hope I did well, my King” Anderson bowed again.

“Aye, not bad, well done, Holy Knight” Jun replied flatly, trying hard to suppress his killer instincts, his hands couldn’t wait to feel the skin on Anderson’s throat.

This just won’t do, they’ll just get wiped out like bugs by the Frankian troops.Hmm…ah! I nearly forgot bout these!

“Gentlemen, you are a strong lot, the strongest in Tarniania, as verified by my most trusted Holy Knight Anderson. But in order to stand up to the mighty Frankian forces, the Gods have bestowed a gift to all of you.” Jun took out a bag of beans and distributed it to the soldiers.

“These are the magic beans which the founder of Tarniania, Jack traded his holy cow for. And they are known to grant whoever consumes them extremely unique and incredulous powers. Now swallow them.”

And they did.

30 - Chapter 5: The Tarnianian Bastille

Darker than night and smellier than ogre stool, the Tarnianian bastille is not a place anyone would consider spending the night in.

Immediate execution was, unsurprisingly the most preferred punishment in Tarniania, according to a survey conducted by Chancellor Li on fifty inmates. He was lucky, had he been a day late; there wouldn’t be fifty, as an average of seven inmates kill themselves everyday.

As grotesque as the bastille might be, it had its worth. As criminals who were strong and tough enough to complete at least two years of sentence in the bastille would be released into the Tarnianian army and instantly promoted to commander status as they went through in the bastille would make any battlefield seem like teletubby land, but such cases were extremely rare. In the entire Tarnianian history, only one had made it out of the bastille alive. One.

History may soon be rewritten though, as another stood strong. The Tarnianian bastille wasn’t a very big place. The only entrance lay just outside the castle gates, a small but sturdy iron door guarded by knights of the purple flower, Tarniania’s secret elite force which banner flew directly under Holy Knight Anderson’s command.

It needed the knights of the purple flower to guard it not because it’s of high importance, but more for the fact that the door weighed the same as four pregnant elephants, thus earning it the name, ‘the door as heavy as four pregnant elephants’.

And only those selected to be knights of the purple flower had the strength, or rather, the knowledge of the location of the secret trapdoor which led to the same stairs.

The four knights of the purple flower standing guard at the door as heavy as four pregnant elephants stood engarde as a figure emerged from the midnight fog.

“Password.” The squad leader challenged the approaching figure.

“I’m so hot.” Came the reply.

“How hot?” The squad leader issued the second half of the challenge.

“The sexy kind of hot.” One could only feel that the air around them would’ve died if they had life. There is no doubt about the identity of the visitor.

The guards sheathed their weapons and cupped their palms in front of the faces – a unique form of salute which Anderson’s army practiced.

“Greetings, Holy Knight.”

“Hello. You may recover, open the door please, there is someone I must visit.”

“Purple Hibiscus, go get the rest of the purple flowers, we need to open the door.” The squad leader issued an order to the shortest knight.

“Aye aye, Purple Orchid, on my way.”

“Holy Knight, just a question….” Purple Orchid turned to ask Anderson as Purple Hibiscus sped off.

“Go on.”

“What’s the rational behind the weight of this door? Isn’t it a little….unpractical having it weigh as heavy as four pregnant elephants?”

“Mmm?” Anderson raised an eyebrow, not that anyone could see him do that behind that helmet he donned, but he raised it nevertheless. “I never knew it weight that much, the last time I went in it only took a scrawny old man to open it.”

“You went in before?” It was Purple Orchid’s turn to raise an eyebrow.

“Oops…Hmm...I never said that, do not put words in my mouth, squad leader. Well…..it’s that heavy because…hmm…..oh, now I remember, it’s the hinges!!”

“What about them?”

“Well….the door’s been here since the birth of Tarniania you know, and we’ve never really had an imperial door hinge rust remover…..so…”

“Oh dear, but everyone thinks the door really weighs that much, even the historians, oh dear oh dear, our descendants are going to get all the facts wrong!!!”

“Ahh…no worries, I’ll suggest to King Jun tomorrow to promote some cleaner to the title of imperial door hinge rust remover.”

“That is very kind of you M’lord. Our workload will be much lighter this way.”

“Well, you’re even kinder; imagine how much we will save without having to pay your salaries now that you’re not needed…”

Purple Orchid paled.

Minutes later, Purple Hibiscus brought another four knights of the purple flower to the door. Together, the eight knights pulled open the door and Anderson stepped in. He didn’t need a torch as he knew this place better than his own home, as he had once called this place home.

It wasn’t difficult for Anderson to find Phin, no one could mistake that scream of pain when Anderson planted his iron greaves into what he thought was a stack of hay.

“Oh, you’re here, cool. Let’s get going.” Anderson grabbed Phin, who was clutching his groin in pain by the collar and dragged him out of the bastille. And Phin became the second man ever to leave the bastille alive.

30 - Chapter 4: Preparations

“Come to me baby…mumumumumuuuuarkzzzzz…oh yeah baby….yeah yeah oh yeah!!!! Hmm..baby…..I never knew you had a moustache….you naughty little fox, oh well, I won’t mind a little prick…come to papa!”

“You’ll do good to wake up now, Holy Knight. And you never seem to take that helm off do you…”

Anderson opened his eyes to find himself staring into Jun’s eyes, his tongue still on his moustache. He was petrified.

Jun stood up and wiped Anderson’s saliva off his moustache.

“M’lord…it’s late….” Anderson blushed.

“Yes, I know, holy knight, but this is important. I’ve some things I must get off my heart.”

“But a simple prod would’ve waked me up, you didn’t have to get so close….”

Jun laughed a little, then walked to the window and and pushed it open. The moon was shrouded by dark clouds which loomed over Tarniania, as if telling of the impending doom about to befall her. He could also see the Tarnianian walls, and images of them collapsing under Frankian forces flashed in his mind. He tried to shake the images off but Ming’s words were deeply etched in his mind. As much as he’d like to fight, he knew that Tarniania for sure would not be able to withstand the siege.

“Anderson.” Jun remained by the window.

“Yes M’lord.” Anderson had gotten up and was almost done suiting up.

“Gather thirty of our best soldiers, I want them all equipped and ready to move off by dawn. And release Phin, he shall join the roll call tomorrow. Keep Angelina hungry though.”

“Consider it done, m’lord.” Anderson bowed.

Jun made for the door, and paused for a moment as he stepped out. “The fate of Tarniania will depend on these 30 lads, Anderson.”

“Aye my lord, I understand.” Anderson remained bowed.

Jun stepped out of the chamber and closed the door softly before leaving.

“Well done, Ming, here’re your bananas as promised.”

Ming’s eyes brightened and he clapped his hands with delight as the mysterious figure tossed him a bunch of bananas.

“Your job is done, and no one will hear of this, God-King Frankie will reward you handsomely when Tarniania falls.”

Ming hugged the bunch of bananas to his chest tightly and bowed slightly, “Aye, safe travels, General.”

“I will need to return to the Frankian camp, meanwhile I will need you to keep an eye on Li, he may have sworn his allegiance to Frankie but he has not been purified like we have.”

“Purified?”

The mysterious figure pointed to his own groin, “Yes, purified.”

“Oh, we call that circumcision here.” Ming replied with a proud look as he had been the one asking the questions for too long, and for once, he was the one answering.

“I see, very well then, I bid you farewell, my friend.” The mysterious figure faded into the night as he finished his line.

“Wow I always wondered how he did that…..maybe it’s the bananas.” Ming talked to himself as he peeled a banana excitedly.

30 - Chapter 3: Blessings

Nightfall, the Tarnianians had turned in early that night, leaving the tavern the only place bustling with life.

Jun stepped out into his courtyard and looked up into the sky, “Ahh, the night skies of tarniania, how beautiful…”

A pair arms wrapped him gently from behind.

Jun placed his arms over hers, “Don’t worry Ivy, I won’t be long…”

“Who?” It was Erika’s voice.

Jun jumped, “Oh, nothing.”

“Why’re you in your climbing gear, and why are you carrying such a huge pouch of gold?” Erika asked.

“Oh, I’m going to climb the mountains to the altar at the top, where the high priests reside, and this pouch of gold, it’s to buy those greedy and lecherous priests’ blessings. Damn, I hate climbing.”

“Well, good news I guess, it’s Tuesday, ladies’ night, they should be in the tavern.”

“Oh, cool, I’ll go there then.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too, Ivy.”

“Who?”

“Oh, nothing, you my dear.” Jun turned around, kissed her forehead and scurried off to the tavern, whilst thanking the gods he had a stupid wife.

No one noticed Jun entering the tavern as everyone was drunk and partying. It wasn’t difficult to spot the high priests as they have boils all over them ---- the boils serve as a mark of the priests, the bigger the boils, the more powerful the priest is. Indeed, Jun found them half-naked in a dark corner, surrounding a young man. The young man looked like Oswald to Jun but he shook the idea off as Oswald seemed like a decent boy.

Jun grabbed the leader of the high priests -identified by the ridiculously large boil on his forehead- by the throat and dragged him out of the tavern.

“Blasphemy! Jun! It is a sin to man-handle a servant of the Gods!”

“Screw the Gods, screw you.” Jun bellowed at the Priest’s face.

The music had stopped and a crowd gathered, profanities could be heard from amongst the crowd made up mostly by drunkards.

Jun grabbed the priest by his collar and lifted him off the ground. “Listen to me filthy Ming and listen well, the Frankians are going to lay siege on Tarniania soon, and if we don’t make battle plans, I’ll see how many lads’ behinds you will be able to take to the grave with you.”

“Let me go, imbecile. We shall consult the oracle.” Ming replied calmly.

Jun laid the scrawny man back on the ground. Ming turned and gave a signal to the rest of the high priests and they gathered around him, leaving the Oswald-look-alike by himself at the corner.

Jun took a closer look, the lad is Oswald, no doubt about it.

Ming mumbled some incoherent words and the lad fell almost immediately into a deep trance.

Ming took two steps back; everyone’s attention was on Oswald. All of a sudden, he stripped and started dancing even though there’s no music to dance to. It carried on for some time before the lad fell back to the ground, motionless.

Ming ran over to him and bent over, placing his face just over the lad’s. He ran his lips over his smooth left cheek lustfully and gave him a small peck on his lips. The sight was horrendous to bear even for the blind. The lad came to and whispered some words into Ming’s ears.

Ming stood up and turned to face Jun. “The oracle has spoken, foolish Jun. Tarniania shall not go to war.”

Jun moved up to Ming, grabbed him by the collar again and pushed him right up against the wall. Their faces so close they could feel each other’s breaths.

“Listen here, fool, Tarniania WILL go to war. I come to seek your blessings, not your permission. Name your price.” Jun scowled.

Ming took advantage of the situation and sneaked a peck on Jun’s lips. Jun’s face writhed in terror, he spat at Ming’s face and jumped back instantly.

Ming smirked and showed Jun a five with his left hand.

Jun nodded and tossed a bag of gold coins in front of Ming. Ming looked down at the bag of coins, then focused his gaze back on Jun as he tried to hide his smile.

“Not enough? That’s five thousand gold pieces, don’t go overboard, sharkfood.”

Ming seemed unfazed by the insults, instead, he smiled. “I wasn’t referring to gold coins, Jun. I want five bunches of bananas.”

Jun was furious when he heard Ming, “Bananas do not grow in Tarniania! Don’t try and play the fool with me, Ming.”

Ming folded his arms and sneered, “Well, no blessings from the high priests then, goodnight, m’lord.”

Jun pointed straight at Ming’s face, “Fine then, Tarniania will go to war, and win the war, with or without your blessings.”

With that, he turned and left the tavern, slamming the door behind him.

30 - Chapter 2: Messages of War

As the frankian horsemen galloped through the streets of Tarniania, whispers of both fear and excitement could be heard amongst the Tarnianians who saw them.

The horsemen slowed to a trot as they approached King Jun’s courtyard. King Jun stood there in the middle of the courtyard, eyes fixed on the messengers from Frankia, expressionless.

The leader trotted all the way to Jun’s face. Jun stared into the horse’s eyes, he could feel the animal’s breath on his face, it was warm and smelt like seaweed.

“Up here, King Jun.” a voice came from above the horse.

“Ah so that’s where you are!” Jun looked surprised to find a man on the horse.

The men got off their horses and gathered in front of Jun.

“We bring you a message from God-King Monkey, I mean…Frankie.”

“Cool, let’s hear it.”

“By now, you should have heard wind that it will not be long before Tarniania is surrounded by our massive army.”

Jun nodded.

“Bring it on! We’re not afraid of monkeys!” The voice came from behind Jun and it was a woman’s voice, Erika’s voice.

“King Jun, how dare a mere woman speak such daring words in front of men?”

“Because only women give birth to true Tarnianian men!” Erika pouted, sticking out her tongue.

The messenger stared in disbelief as Jun shrugged and feigned ignorance.

“Go on, messenger, what does Frankie want to tell us?” Li tried to break out of the awkward situation.

“As God-King Frankie is merciful, all we ask from Tarniania is some food and land as a sign of submission under the might of God-King Frankie and Tarniania will be spared.” The messenger said warily.

Jun looked at Anderson and Li, they nodded at one another and Jun turned back to face the messenger.

“Fine by us, does he want chickens or pigs? As for the land…will he want the ones we grow rice on? Or the ones we grow vegetables on?” Jun replied the messenger.

The messenger had a worried look all of a sudden, and turned back to signal his companions to gather for a discussion.

“Alamak abang! You said they sure won’t surrender, now they surrender, we sure mati la!”

“Mati la…God-King Monkey say we must provoke them till they wage war…”

“How I know he bapok…aiyo, think if we go back sure die painfully, why not kill ourselves here?”

“Good idea.”

All the messengers nodded in agreement, and together they ran towards a bottomless pit down the street and jumped down.

It happened too fast and by the time Jun realized what had happened, it was too late.

“Bummer! This is not Sparta! This is Tarnianiaaaaaa!”

“M…M’lord….if his messengers do not return, he will definitely lay siege, we must prepare for war.” Li said to Jun.

“Very well then, prepare for battle, I shall visit the high priests and seek advice.”

30 - Chapter 1: Intro

Yep, been almost a year since my last post, well, I'm gonna have another shot at epic short stories again, heh. Alright, my latest work will be titled: "30". It'll be kinda like a...parody....well, enjoy!

Chapter 1

Jun rested his chin on his knuckles as he contemplated his next move.

“If you beat me, m’lord”, Phin, the court jest said, “I’ll tell you a secret.” Phin stifled a yawn as he leaned against the back of the chair. It was hard to hide his smile as his next move would be checkmate.

Sweat strolled down Jun’s forehead. He could not believe it, him, king of Tarniania, suffering defeat in the hands of a court jest. It might be chess, but a loss would still be a loss, he had to think of something, fast.

And the thought came fast indeed. “Fool! You dare hide secrets from the King?! This is treachery! Speak, or I’ll have you bleed so much a tomato will call you brother.” He said as he brought the tip of his sword to Phin’s neck.

Phin let out a soft yelp and went down on his knees almost immediately, “Have mercy m’lord…I’m but a humble minion…”

“Then speak!” Bellowed Jun.

“Ff…Ffr…ffrankie’s troops has been sighted by scouts stationed at the outskirts of Tarniania, Chancellor Li has predicted Tarniania to be surrounded in t….two days time…” Phin stammered.

Jun withdrew his sword and kicked Phin in the face, “Why have I not been informed? Why?” He demanded.

Phin scrambled to his knees, “Be…because…you were busy playing chess all day!”

“Such treachery! Men! Lock this fool in the bastille. He shall be Angelina’s lunch tomorrow.”

Fear was written all over Phin’s pale face. “Mercy M’lord! Not Angelina! Anything but Angelina! Please! Feed me to the lions instead!” Phin begged as four imperial guards took him down and bounded him.

“M’lord, we shall bring the prisoner down.” Holy Knight Anderson said.

Jun raised his hand, “Hold.”

Phin looked up, sighing a note of relief. “King Jun has spoken! Now let me go you fools!” He shouted at the guards holding him.

“Holy Knight Anderson, Angelina shall miss all her meals from now on. I want her hungry when she devours this man.”

Anderson bowed, “Yes M’lord, it shall be done.” He backed a few steps and turned around, “We shall leave.”

“NOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooo………” Phin wailed as they dragged him out of the throne room.

“Hold it.” It was Jun again.

A glimpse of hope shone in Phin’s eyes.

“Soak him in salt water for a quarter of an hour before serving, Angelina likes her food slightly salted.”

Anderson nodded and signaled for the guards to carry on.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooo………” The wail became a shriek this time.

Jun covered his ears, “Shut him up!”

The sound of metal crushing bones could be heard and all was silent.

Jun smiled and pointed at one of the attendants in the throne room.

“You, your name.”

“Oswald. M’lord.”

“Oswald…I like that name, a’ight, you shall be the court jest from now on, now sing me a song.”

“B…but…m’lord…I c…” Jun stopped him before he could finish.

“Ah…I almost forgot bout the invasion, summon Holy knight Anderson and Chancellor Li.”

Both officials arrived in the throne room minutes later.

“Ah, my most trusted officials, any updates? Chancellor?”

“M’lord, a Frankian messenger has arrived and demands an audience with you.” Li replied.

“Ahh…a’ight, he will wait at the gates for me. Anderson will you finish this game of chess with me in Phin’s stead?”

“M’lord! This is no time for games! As we speak, Frankie’s army is closing in!” Anderson exclaimed.

“Yes, I know the situation…but I really want to play, oh well, let us meet this…messenger. Oswald, fetch Queen Erika, she shall meet this messenger with us.”